Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I feel like after a certain age certain things you just should know better, when you are in your twenties then sure it's that between time from teenager to real adult so go ahead trial and error your butt off, but once you get to that 30 mark you should know better, and do enough in your twenties to have fun but you gotta keep your eye on the prize because after 29 there are no do overs. Shit is what it is! You should have spent your twenties discovering what path you wished to take in life and setting your eyes upon the future that's what your twenties are for. By the time your 30th birthday comes around you should be ready to be a full adult, putting behind you all hood rat, ghetto mentalities, establishing your career, or business, setting sights on getting your first house and hopefully if your blessed at least engaged. Ideally that is the way it should go but see to me that IS MY IDEAL on how it should work the fucked up part is hindsight is a bitch! I went through my twenties directionless just floundering, in my youth I wasn’t so wise I didn’t see things clearly like I should have. I was distracted and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Now at 30 I have all of these hindsight but now it’s like too little too late. My life is all fucked off and it just doesn’t seem to be getting any better.

My Madre for one doesn't think that I am hard enough on myself, simply because I don't give her the pleasure of beating up on myself in front of her. I stay in my room a lot behind a closed door and unless you are inside my psyche you can't know how I perceive myself. I spend a lot of time in thought, agonizing, reflecting, looking at different angles as to how I am going to change my life, take it in a different direction, pick the pieces up. No one but I am concerned with myself. But I guess since I hold everyone else up to my same standards I am considered being judgmental. When I don't understand someone’s life decisions and I can't empathize with someone because they had all these tools at their disposal but they choose not to use them I can't feel sorry for them I am then called heartless, cruel, even said to have a black heart. When someone who doesn't have messed up credit has an able body, an able mind, and even a set of employment skills but they won't get a job, they refuse to find employment BUT want everyone to bend over backwards and help them I'm supposed to have symptom for someone like that?

it’s funny how this one person on my twit line told me I should get a part time job I was like well shit why didn’t I think of that (insert extreme sarcasm) I’ve applied for jobs big and small, state, federal, government, even a company I got fired from same parent company different branch. I keep taking test after test, and either getting wait listed, or just plain out refused the job. I’ve applied out of state, in state, big small, part time full time, my resume is constantly in rotation, over flooded on job board sites if someone sends me info about a job then I get on it. I want to work! Yes I applied for seasonal positions, walking the local mall, even going down to la and putting out feelers out there. It’s triple hard when you don’t have transportation, no transportation money, and no way to get money. In my world since I don’t have kids its either get a job or go without.

God it’s so easy for people just to say to me well get a job like I don’t want one, like I haven’t been looking, like I wasn’t looking when I had a part time job, like I wasn’t trying to go back to school, but no money can’t pay fees, can’t buy books, what about financial aid; just pays for my classes still have to come up with the admission fees, and then again there is the transportation issue. I have all of these people who have all of these suggestions but no real help. This other chick on my twit line told me to go apply down in Venice Beach, I don’t live anywhere near Venice Beach, she then suggested I try and be a stewardess, after that point I just sort of tuned her out. I can apply for every job under the sun but:

1. Credit checks: are a major issue, but the fucked up part is if your credit is fucked but you can’t get a job how can you fix it? Someone has yet to explain that too me. On an interview for a job this perky white lady said to me “well if you at least send them something it shows a willingness to fix it.” I just nodded my head because of course when YOU HAVE NO JOB you have no income but maybe I am speaking Turkish. In the same interview the white man said to me well we can’t hire a person in the government with bad credit because it becomes an integrity issue. You become more susceptible to bribery. You are more tempted to steal when your credit is bad.

2. Weight discrimination: my mother, my grandmother, my third cousin all of them have said well your weight is probably keeping you from getting a job also. So fat people don’t have to work? They can just sit at home and just curl up in a ball and die? I know the whole world wants fat people to just go away for feel ashamed or some shit but the majority of the world is fat, fuck get over it. If you want the whole world to be one size then they need to come up with a plan to ban all fast food, develop a pill that makes everyone the same size, and then come up with a pill to make everyone the same color fuck diversity. If we are all the same size, all the same color, then all our problems would be solved and the world would be a much better place right????? Fat discrimination is done subtly but its done everyday I am up against more mountains literally then others but I keep putting in applications I keep applying I keep on keeping on but it’s netting me no results.

All things stem from money you can’t do shit in this lifetime without fucking money. They say you shouldn’t have just one stream of income coming in I have a ZAZZLE store that I sell products from but that is extremely slow money. I might get someone that buys something like every blue moon. I also love arts in crafts but that takes money. I am always trying to figure out something that one great break through for me, that something that will turn my life around. I keep thinking and thinking I don’t know who I should pray too, or what I should do to get there, and please know that I write not for sympathy because I know everyone is going through something I write because I love it and I think its great if someone even reads what I write it would be great if someone happened upon my blog and thought that I wrote well enough to offer me a publishing deal or some sort of job working in the publishing world even if it was getting the damn executives their coffee. I wish a lot of things would happen but wishes don’t come true for people like me because I’m just an ordinary everyday run of the mill type girl and miracles and wishes don’t exist in my world.