Monday, May 04, 2009


P.S. I Love You

Whenever I watch a movie that has a theme about love it always leaves me wondering and pondering the reality of love. When I watch a movie with a white cast love is colored different its magnanimous its all consuming it’s their end all and be all. It makes them greater it ennobles them and changes them they get so swept up by it and it defines them. It alters their perception and it always makes them better for having loved versus not having loved. In every white movie I have ever seen where there was love involved it has been this all encompassing and consuming larger than life force that has guided the actions of characters and used them as pawns being it to its will like a force on its own.

This has caused me to become a hopeless romantic because I have ingested these movies that are not in line with my reality. These movies that are made make love seem so noble and so worthwhile like it’s the ultimate answer to every ultimate question, and the love is never quiet or simple it’s huge and overwhelming and powerful. I’ve lived for 30 years and I have never ever felt something so huge and all consuming. I have never even had a little bit of that. Does it exist for me? Is my love weighted down and less powerful because I am a black woman? I try and explain it to the best of my knowledge it’s like white women are freer more unrestrained happier easier they aren’t weighted down by the color of their skin, their economic situations, scratching out their places in the world having to be smarter, work harder, work longer, to be seen as competent in the work place. I am well aware of the glass ceiling but if white women have it bad it’s ten times worst for a black woman.

It’s easier to love freer and to just be when you don’t have a cultural noose around your neck. I can’t speak for anyone else but in my experience I have always tried to be rational and not allow myself to get swept up in lust, sometimes I didn’t succeed in my efforts but as I have grown older I have learned to steer clear of foolish lustful endeavors, but I hear that white women just pretty much let the passion take them over and they give in to their impulses far more often than a black woman. From Fairy tales to modern day romance movies I feel like I have been lied to. There is no all encompassing love that is going to come in and change you and make you a better person at least not for me, there is no all consuming love that is going to just make me into a better person and set my heart on fire. I would have liked to have such a love but this isn’t the movies and I’m not some blond haired, fair skinned damsel in distress waiting for the perfect boy to sweep me off of my feet and change me because our love is that big. The reality of it is black folks have love with restraint and conditions, always some sort of conditions, White folks seem to just be able to fall seamlessly in love and it changes them completely it makes them better people to and for each other.

Make no mistake I am well aware that it doesn’t always work out but the journey and the ride makes it seem like it’s worth it. This is why I stick to horror films because getting killed, maimed, twisted or frightened is something that can happen to anyone there is no huge difference in how bad things are perpetrated in movies we all know the ethnic characters get killed first and then everyone else but they all dies painful and under horrible circumstances. It’s a revelation though to know that my inner romantic was getting fed off of these white romance movies now I know how to starve that bitch and finally kill her off. It’s sad if you really think about it this is what keeps black folks from loving each other and just giving in. We weren’t taught to love like that we always had to focus on just living and trying to maintain and if we happened to find love then it was always an afterthought or secondary, love is a luxury that one can’t afford because the business of living is costly and the almighty dollar calls for heavy sacrifices. It’s amazing how love is colored different depending on your skin color and economic status.

If you don’t think so then you’re either a fool, or an optimist that wears a special brand of rose tinted contacts. Either way ignorance is bliss but I’ve never liked living in la-la-land and it took me sometime to figure it out, like going to a therapist all this time and the cause and cure was stop believing in this romance movies that are getting cranked out and shoved down your throat like bitter medicine. Hell the stuff in movies isn’t real that’s why it’s a movie no one wants to watch real love onscreen that’s depressing the movies are an escape from reality. So I am killing off my inner romantic slowly but surely now that I’ve finally got to the root of my problem.

So here’s to the death of my inner romantic and the dewy eyed optimistic outlook she was secretly holding onto I kept wondering what kept giving me false hope and I now realize it was these movies and now I know I was creating in my mind a blueprint for failure. I didn’t think I was that impressionable but somehow the impression was made on me that romance and love was attainable and love was this huge wonderful emotion, that’s not my reality and to wait for it would be detrimental and foolish so now that I know that I will make it my business to stop believing in celluloid and airbrushed magic. I feel so foolish realizing that all this time I have been secretly holding on to this unrealistic concept of love because of movies wow now that the rose colored contacts are finally off I can let go of my silly romantic notions and resign myself to a loveless fate it’s alright I have a great soundtrack….