Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Disclaimer:This will be a rant/vent about my personal feelings and shit I'm going through if you don't want to read then don't, I give's not a fuck!

Many people think I am the devil, evil, angry, bitter, etc add your own word. It's amazing to me how when you voice how unhappy you are in your situation or when you call bullshit like you see it you automatically are branded as evil. My family does shit on the daily that just pisses me out and I'm supposed to just grin and bear the shit because why because their family and we're related by dna I don't think so. I don't think anyone see's me, all they see is how I act once shit starts going south and then that becomes my whole personality. I'm so tired of assholes I don't even have the patience to pretend to even want to deal with motherfuckers anymore. I have been worn down to the bone. I am weary and tired I am angry, bitter, and just fucking oh so tired of the way shit is going if I could bounce I would and I wouldn't tell anyone where I was I would just disappear without a fucking trace. I know I wouldn't be missed and that's fine with me.

Basically when you are the oldest your life becomes a pile of shit as soon as the other children come along you are turned into a fucking nurse maid and you become the babysitter, the maid, the cook, the help and you are quickly pushed aside and forgotten. But that's neither here nor there I'm just illustrating the kind of life one will be forced to lead as the eldest, it seems as if I don't have any room to make mistakes. Everyone else does but me I get the "well you did that to yourself, sucks for you" type attitude. There are no "well those are life lessons you learn" type comments. Everyone else is allowed to learn and grow from their mistakes me I'm told "well you just seem so unhappy, and happiness starts with self you should do something about that!" ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, I HAVE NO MONEY, NO JOB, NO JOB PROSPECTS, NO TRANSPORTATION, MY CREDIT SCORE IS FUCKED UP, AND I HAVE SOME COLLEGE CREDITS BUT NO DEGREE! AND everyone keeps telling me well if you're unhappy why don't you just move why don't you just change it IF I HAD THE RESOURCES I WOULD, IF IT WERE THAT EASY FOR ME I WOULD HAVE BEEN THOUGHT MY WAY OUT OF MY SITUATION, I always get the "well you're so intelligent I don't understand why you haven't figured something out for yourself yet" who the fuck wants to live like this, NO ONE, matter of fact this ain't even living some days I don't even want to get up, for what? What am I getting up for? Just to dirty up clothes that will have to be rewashed?

I would love to leave the state of California but where are people moving too with no job, no money, no job prospects, no where to stay???? Where they doing this at? Wouldn't it be extra foolish of me to leave the roof over my head to venture out into an unfamiliar state without even a job prospect lined up? With no where to sleep? With no fucking money in hand? Before I make that kind of move I want to make sure I don't continue to fuck up my life but yet and still people keep telling me the same bullshit. IF IT WAS THAT FUCKING EASY, IF I HAD A WAY TO DO IT I WOULD DO IT, OR I WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE IT ALREADY.

I don't have sympathy for others because simply they don't have sympathy nor empathy for me so fuck family, fuck everyone who always has an answer but no concrete solutions fuck the people telling me what I should do because they not offering a bed to sleep in nor a way to change my situation. Fuck everyone who keeps offering bullshit when its not fucking helpful. STOP doing that shit I don't want to hear anything unless it's about a job offer, unless its about a college program that I can enroll in that will change my life, I don't want to hear about it unless it will help me get to where I need to go to achieve a change in my life. UNLESS YOU COMING WITH SOLUTIONS SAVE ANYTHING ELSE. I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY, NOR YOUR SHOULDER TO CRY ON. POINT BLANK IF IT AIN'T ABOUT MONEY THEN I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT. MY MOOD IS DIRECTLY TIED TO MY PURSE STRINGS, AND I'M SO TIRED OF SANCTIMONIOUS ASSHOLES SO SAVE THAT SHIT AND PEDDLE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE WHO GIVES A GOOD MOTHER-FUCKING-GOOSE! IF IT AIN'T ABOUT HELPING ME MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER THEN I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I REALLY DON'T.

DON'T COME TELLING ME ABOUT CHANGING SHIT UNLESS YOU HELPING, OTHER WISE SAVE THAT SHIT FOR DR. PHIL. I'm so tired of defending myself and explaining myself over and over again, everyone wants to cast stones but no one persone not anyone I know is trying to help, NOT ONE GOTDAMNED PERSON but yet you all quick to say shit and point fingers. I don't get credit for a motherfucking thing what I do get is more what I haven't done right, what I could be doing right, what else I should be doing. The fucked up thing is even when I get a job interview, or have to go to a job or start some training the first thing out of someones mouth is "how you going to get there?" WHAT THE FUCK???? How backwards is that you telling me to get a job repeatedly but then when I try and line something up then I'm told well how you going to get there? Maybe it's just me but that is backwards as hell but of course my logic doesn't mesh with the rest of the worlds so that might actually make sense in assbackwards ville.

I actually went on an interview for a company and the manager was so nasty about the whole process she told everyone in the interview that she was looking for the cream of the crop, and if we weren't that then we could leave now. She actually paused and waited for us to walk out, then she said that she could be choosy about the kind of workers she wanted because there were millions looking for jobs and it was a hiring market right now, not a job seekers market because people are hurting in this economy they are scrambling in this economy to get whatever they can people who were making good money are settling for jobs where they making just barely enough to feed themselves just to be able to get by. So the average worker can't even get the dead end fucked up shit jobs anymore. THE REST OF THE WORLD IS IN A RECESSION I'M IN A DEPRESSION. It's so easy to dole out advice left and right when you on the system and you get a couple fucking checks coming in. It's easy to tell me about my situation when you can get a job or go to school because the fucking county will foot the bill for that shit. It's amazing how people tell me to be grateful for the little things when the little things are all that I got and then I don't even have many of them to be grateful for. What I truly got is a whole lot of motherfucking nothing to be happy about and a bunch of asshole giving me fucking advice.

I don't think people understand how much energy it takes for me not to lash out and start just spazzing and throwing shit and breaking shit up, I had to come and write this blog just to calm myself down and get this out of my system. No one knows shit about what I'm going through and the bottom line is at the end of the day no one gives a fuck so miss me with that bullshit, miss me with the pity and the "we wish we could help", because in all reality no one gives a fuck about me or what I'm going through you just don't want me to be so vocal about it that is the real deal right fucking there. As long as I'm making noise and saying shit it makes people uncomfortable you can't bury your head in the sand when someone keeps waving their funk under your nose. But don't expect my sympathy or empathy when you need it, don't except a shoulder to cry on when you need one, and don't expect me to rush to your aid when you need help. I give as good as I get and since I ain't getting shit I ain't giving shit either!

I am truly alone in this world which is fine with me I am truly an island of one.