Sunday, February 20, 2011


There is a hope in me that will not die, no matter how much I tell myself that its impossible and that it just won't happen but I can't get myself to give up the wanting for it to come into fruition. I have always been a romantic a part of myself that I don't broadcast freely because people have a tendency to want to exploit anything that might look remotely like a weakness or a soft side. Most people tend to make snap judgments about my character and who I am so they probably wouldn't believe that I was a closet romantic and that deep down inside I would love to have some kind of happy ending but I know that this is the real world and for black girls we don't get rainbows and prince charming's we get shafted, ignored, looked over, left, under loved, under appreciated, and just generally left wanting more.

I totally get why some people do crazy things sometimes acting out because they hunger not for food but to be fed emotionally even the most wounded person hungers for someone to be in their life even if all they want to do is hurt who comes near them. There is still that basic need that basic necessity for love. Some call it desperation when one is overly vocal in expressing their want for the need of love, but often said is "that closed mouths don't get fed". They say you aren't supposed to look for love, love is an emotion if you can't be found by a person than how will love know where to find you? Love is supposed to be this transformational emotion its supposed to make you want to be a better person and its supposed to change your life for the better so then why is it so elusive and hard to come by?

I'm not going to get into semantics but from day one women are inundated with fairy tales and stories about prince charming and how he is going to come in and save you and transform your life in some way and sweep you off your feet and make you his queen but that never happens in real life the major part of the story is left out. We don't get to hear that the prince who comes to sweep us off our feet is supposed to be a gentlemen who has some kind of manners he doesn't ride up to our door with his bass loud and his fronts on gleam. He doesn't beep the horn or call us on the cell phone and then we run out. The prince in the story is always of the best and most noblest character and he always has good intentions he's not looking to just hit it and run nor does he ask you to send him some "sexy" or "teasing" pictures to his cellphone and might I add the prince never once whipped his dick out and snapped a picture of it and sent it through text to the women he was trying to impress. Nope he just slays the villain and then rides off with us on the back of his horse into the sunset.

I've often asked how did we get here to where you can't even have a decent conversation without sex being brought up in the first conversation? How did we lose the ability to connect on just a basic human level of decency? What does the size of my breast or how fat my ass is have to do with my character? Why do I have to feel like odd man out because I don't wish to be on a sexual merry-go-round instead opting for a partner I can trust to have a grown up relationship with who is not just out for a quick lay.

Oh and let me take a quick minute to clear up some erroneous thinking concerning big girls and sex.  Contrary to popular belief being a fat chick has nothing to do with not having great sex honestly and truthfully there is a whole lot of trash dick walking around and when you are young and dumb and you have sex you are just going through the motions especially if you don't have a consistent or considerate partner which makes for a horrible sexual experience. Sex in my opinion is one of those things that improves over time and with the right partner(s) it can be magnificent (so I've been told) but just going through the motions sex is going to be horrible and an epic fail 9 times out of 10. Its about taking the time and effort some understanding about self and respect for self and a partner that works with you and has a regard for you as a person to make the sex a earth moving experience IMO, and fellas Just because your penis might be big doesn't mean you know what to do with it, females aren't telling the truth to most guys because they don't want to deflate the frail egos of most men. Having a penis does not automatically make you master of the deep stroke. I know plenty of big girls who are getting their twerk on and love sex so extra pounds do not stop the get down not in the least! We all have preferences but the notion that big girls aren't getting it in or having great sex on the regular is just plain foolish and you should slap yourself if you believe that lie but I digress.

I tend to get super reflective during the month of Feb since Valentines day is during this month and I always wonder if I will ever fall in love or will I forever be an island of 1? I don't want to get to 40 or in my 60's and find my soul mate I think that is the cruelest twist of fate ever to live all your younger days single and then find someone in your yesteryear's by that time all you can do with each other is eat dinner early and then hold hands and go to sleep what's the fun in that? There has got to be someone on this whole big planet that is in line with what I want and vice versa so why can't we seem to find our way to each other? Why does it have to be this hard It's not rocket science its love.... anyway don't mind my closet romantic she is acting up and typing things I wouldn't normally say she is beside herself this month but I will do what I always do with her tie her up and stuff her back into my subconscious and ignore her to the best of my abilities and keep it right on moving yep right on moving....