The men that have come through my life have taught me some valuable lessons and it's the sort of lessons you don't realize until you are up at 4am in the morning and then you have an epiphany of sorts. I like to call those times conversations with the true self. When a body should be sleeping but you're wide awake wondering how your life took the turn that it did and why you are where you are at this particular time in your life.
As it is father's day today I started looking at all the lessons men have left me with. Not because I don't have a father but a father can be present in the home and still not be present emotionally but I digress. Let's get to the lessons shall we:
The first lesson I want to talk about is the one my older male cousin imparted to me and it was fairly in recent years. This cousin for whatever particular seems to just be rubbed the wrong way by me and his frustrations manifest themselves in physical violence towards my person. We've even got into a physical altercation and would you know no one thought to pull him off me they figured I had it handled but what if he was whooping my ass though? What then? Anywho this particular incident that sticks out in my mind is when we were at a family social gathering and he saunters over and greets everyone then proceeds to yank my head back by my hair and greets me so I ask him why do you always have to use violence towards me, and he said it's because “I don't love him without pain” I thought to myself what the hell does that even mean? Considering this cousins mental state I didn't pay it no mind at the time but those words haunt me from time to time and now I think that I get the meaning behind them. He was saying in order for me to recognize love it has to hurt that's the only way it gets my attention, so some where in that equation equals some fucked up emotional trauma or I don't love myself enough but he's right I'm attracted to men that are not attracted to me it's always been like that and the more they don't want me the more turned on I am. The more they would hurt my feelings the harder I would work to make them like me and see me as worthy. I'm still like that I turn on the personality, wit and charm and it gets me nothing each and every time they just don't want me back. Sigh.
The next lesson came from someone I thought I was in love with, and maybe I was in love with him but of course he didn't love me back. He taught me that you can love a person with everything you are and try and be the best for them but one sided love is just that ONE SIDED. He paid me no mind I chased after him and bent over backwards for him even made him a best friend but over and over again my feelings weren't recognized, they weren't returned and they were crushed under his heel because I simply was not chosen by him. There is nothing worse then feeling like you've been betrayed by someone you trusted, but you would think I would hold onto that feeling and keep myself from chasing and wanting men that were always out of my reach but nope over and over again I reach for "unattainable" men. The notion that you have to look a certain way, have a certain status, have certain things just to get a certain type of person never has set well with me. Why can't I build with someone? Why can't people be less shallow and see how genuine and amazing I am but I digress on to my next lesson.
Then there was HIM we tried several times to make it work as a couple so many times I broke up with an answering machine and a pager because I could never get him on the phone when we were supposed to be a couple I could never find him, I could never depend on him and it left me frustrated and over it. We remained friends some what but half truths, babies by other women, horrible sexual experiences, left me splintered and done. He was the camel that broke my back and he also was the catalyst that pushed me into being celibate for 7 years. Now a divorce later (his) not ours we barely talk, he has his life together and he's fully a grown up and I'm still walking around looking for something I seemed to have lost.
Another man that gave me a life lesson was the last “boyfriend/fiance” I had. He was slightly younger but a marine yeah I know that should have been a red flag right there. Well intuition is a bitch I found out he cheated wrote him a 4 page letter blah blah blah, he came back and I guess we tried to put the tatters of what remained back together but he said to me, “If you had of cheated on me I wouldn't have taken you back, I don't think you should have took me back.” The lesson there was ironically don't take back a cheater especially if the other person just wants out, or if they show you that their actions were done to inflict pain don't go back to that person leave them. Love yourself more to want more for yourself especially if that person shows you they don't want you people cheat for a reason whatever bullshit reason it is if they can do it and then tell you that you shouldn't take them back they were never invested in the first place and frankly that was their way of trying to get out of a situation they didn't want to be in anymore but stupid me there I went seeking pain in the form of “love” again.
I've been having crushes on boys since I can remember and every boy or guy that I have ever liked has turned out horribly and of course never liked me back, or If they liked me it was because they wanted some from me or they wanted some of my resources but the totality of me they didn't want with one exception but I could never see myself with him then in a forever type situation and he's married now so........there's that.
So I guess my cousin is right I can't seem to break out of this cycle of painful infatuations, everyone that I have always had my eye on or wanted has not wanted me back. Very rarely is there a mutual type situation its always me wanting and them curving or them wanting and me curving. I can never seem to get a mutual attraction and that worries me. Too long has my love life been lopsided and off balance I no longer want the pain but I don't want just any old body either. Anyway these are some of the lesson's I've learned and now that I'm aware that pain looks like love to me I have to work on fixing that and I pray that there is a solution to be found.