The men that have come through my life
have taught me some valuable lessons and it's the sort of lessons you
don't realize until you are up at 4am in the morning and then you
have an epiphany of sorts. I like to call those times conversations
with the true self. When a body should be sleeping but you're wide
awake wondering how your life took the turn that it did and why you
are where you are at this particular time in your life.
As it is father's day today I started
looking at all the lessons men have left me with. Not because I don't
have a father but a father can be present in the home and still not be
present emotionally but I digress. Let's get to the lessons shall we:
The first lesson I want to talk about
is the one my older male cousin imparted to me and it was fairly in
recent years. This cousin for whatever particular seems to just be
rubbed the wrong way by me and his frustrations manifest themselves
in physical violence towards my person. We've even got into a
physical altercation and would you know no one thought to pull him
off me they figured I had it handled but what if he was whooping my
ass though? What then? Anywho this particular incident that sticks
out in my mind is when we were at a family social gathering and he
saunters over and greets everyone then proceeds to yank my head back
by my hair and greets me so I ask him why do you always have to use
violence towards me, and he said it's because “I don't love him
without pain” I thought to myself what the hell does that even
mean? Considering this cousins mental state I didn't pay it no mind
at the time but those words haunt me from time to time and now I
think that I get the meaning behind them. He was saying in order for
me to recognize love it has to hurt that's the only way it gets my
attention, so some where in that equation equals some fucked up
emotional trauma or I don't love myself enough but he's right I'm
attracted to men that are not attracted to me it's always been like
that and the more they don't want me the more turned on I am. The
more they would hurt my feelings the harder I would work to make them
like me and see me as worthy. I'm still like that I turn on the
personality, wit and charm and it gets me nothing each and every time
they just don't want me back. Sigh.
The next lesson came from someone I
thought I was in love with, and maybe I was in love with him but of
course he didn't love me back. He taught me that you can love a
person with everything you are and try and be the best for them but
one sided love is just that ONE SIDED. He paid me no mind I chased
after him and bent over backwards for him even made him a best friend
but over and over again my feelings weren't recognized, they weren't
returned and they were crushed under his heel because I simply was
not chosen by him. There is nothing worse then feeling like you've
been betrayed by someone you trusted, but you would think I would
hold onto that feeling and keep myself from chasing and wanting men
that were always out of my reach but nope over and over again I reach for "unattainable" men. The notion that you have to look a certain way, have a certain status, have certain things just to get a certain type of person never has set well with me. Why can't I build with someone? Why can't people be less shallow and see how genuine and amazing I am but I digress on to my next lesson.
Then there was HIM we tried several
times to make it work as a couple so many times I broke up with an
answering machine and a pager because I could never get him on the
phone when we were supposed to be a couple I could never find him, I
could never depend on him and it left me frustrated and over it. We
remained friends some what but half truths, babies by other women,
horrible sexual experiences, left me splintered and done. He was the
camel that broke my back and he also was the catalyst that pushed me
into being celibate for 7 years. Now a divorce later (his) not ours
we barely talk, he has his life together and he's fully a grown up
and I'm still walking around looking for something I seemed to have
lost.
Another man that gave me a life lesson
was the last “boyfriend/fiance” I had. He was slightly younger
but a marine yeah I know that should have been a red flag right
there. Well intuition is a bitch I found out he cheated wrote him a 4
page letter blah blah blah, he came back and I guess we tried to put
the tatters of what remained back together but he said to me, “If
you had of cheated on me I wouldn't have taken you back, I don't
think you should have took me back.” The lesson there was
ironically don't take back a cheater especially if the other person just wants out, or if they show you that their actions were done to inflict pain don't go back to that person leave them. Love yourself more to want more for yourself especially if that person shows you they don't want you people cheat for a reason whatever bullshit reason it is
if they can do it and then tell you that you shouldn't take them back
they were never invested in the first place and frankly that was
their way of trying to get out of a situation they didn't want to be
in anymore but stupid me there I went seeking pain in the form of
“love” again.
I've been having crushes on boys since
I can remember and every boy or guy that I have ever liked has turned
out horribly and of course never liked me back, or If they liked me
it was because they wanted some from me or they wanted some of my
resources but the totality of me they didn't want with one exception
but I could never see myself with him then in a forever type
situation and he's married now so........there's that.
So I guess my cousin is right I can't
seem to break out of this cycle of painful infatuations, everyone
that I have always had my eye on or wanted has not wanted me back.
Very rarely is there a mutual type situation its always me wanting
and them curving or them wanting and me curving. I can never seem to
get a mutual attraction and that worries me. Too long has my love
life been lopsided and off balance I no longer want the pain but I
don't want just any old body either. Anyway these are some of the
lesson's I've learned and now that I'm aware that pain looks like
love to me I have to work on fixing that and I pray that there is a solution to be found.
