Monday, October 31, 2011


In honor of Halloween I thought I would do a post on some of the dumbest things the people in horror movies do.

1. In a zombie movie instead of you trying to see why your loved one or the people you're around who just all of a sudden stopped moving or they just got real still and you can see all the carnage on their person but you still want to see if they are okay this is why you get bit. I don't know about anyone else but if someone is all bloody and pieces of flesh are hanging off of them or they have missing parts altogether but they are still walking and can't make coherent sentences they're not to be trifled with and if you do so then I'm leaving you behind end of story you go play with the zombies while I get to safety and I would like to say ahead of time thanks for your sacrifice because you just became a piece of human beef jerky.

2. When you live in a haunted house and the first night you started hearing noises, door slams, you got tossed to the ground, drug out a room, sleep walk outside, the inside of your house and all your belongings in said house are all over the place tossed around and your places looks ran through but you weren't robbed and YOU still stay in that house you deserve to be harassed by whatever is in that house and you most likely won't make it out alive or if you do your mental health bill is going to be outrageous and farewell to sleeping normal.

3. Possessions listen when you see your loved ones, friends, kids, pets, etc doing demonic things, spitting up green shit, stabbing themselves with a cross, picking you up like you a piece of tissue and throwing your around like a rag doll, run like hell call the police and the church and go take a vacation. Sometimes its best to just cut your losses when a demon has possessed the body of a loved one. That's what I would do....

4. When you dealing with a demon or suspect you are dealing with a malevolent demon why the fuck would you break out that hateful ass spirit board? You know what I'm talking about that Ouija board why do y'all play with that shit? Why not just go all the way and do some blood sacrifices and rituals stop inviting theses damn spirits into your lives and opening doorways for them to just come through like you got a spiritual holiday inn.

5. Your family has a history of spirits following them ever since you were a child and you never went to church, never went to a spiritual adviser not a tarot card reader nor a psychic but a member of the clergy then you must like being a punching bag for malevolent spirits.

6. Waiting until its almost too late, everyone is dead, or abducted and now you want to fight and fix the problem let me tell you something if you had nipped all that shit in the beginning it wouldn't have escalated and now you trying to fix the issue when its 10 times worst then when it first began. Pretending the problem is not there won't make it go away it usually makes it worst.

7. When you are being chased by a psychopaths, killers, cannibals, drug addicted devil worshipers, evil people who hurt people for fun, don't fall, stop all that screaming, make as little noise as possible, pay attention to your surroundings, keep your head on pivotal not in just one direction, stop trying to bargain with psycho's they are going to most likely kill you anyway so save that energy, almost everything can be used as a weapon, jam your thumbs into their eye sockets, bite off hunks of flesh, stop on their foot, kick them in the balls, use your head and slam it into their nose, take your palm and do your best to push their nose bone into their skull. If you're a woman why don't you at least keep a box cutter or a razor on yourself and you knew you were going to drive long distance come on now and you don't even have a .22? Girl stop.

8. Stop going into abandoned buildings, stop picking up hitchhikers, stop being so curious, stop opening up ancient books, stop opening up sealed boxes, stop knocking over toxic waste, stop experimenting with deadly viruses, stop having sex and kissing when you should be focused on staying alive, stop playing with puzzle boxes, stop invoking spirits, stop doing sacrifices, stop leaving the doors and windows unlocked, stop walking in the forest alone, stop getting out the car to investigate, stop screaming in terror instead of acting in action, if it looks to easy or too good to be true then it is. Stop splitting up if someone goes missing from your party all of y'all should either stay in one spot or all go look for the missing party.

9. Word of caution for the hardheaded black people that only hang with all white people all the time and have no other black friends, you always get killed first so think about that when your friends invite you out to go camping, to a rave in an abandoned building, into a creepy big ass house, or you're driving cross country with them and they run out of gas or the tire blows out guess who getting picked off first.

10. Last but not least guys I know you always just think with your dicks but if the chick is too good to be true and she just appears in front of you and she trying to sex you right from jump, she is going to either rip your heart out your chest and then bathe in your blood, she is going to drain you of all your manly fluids then eat you, she is going to suck your soul out through your mouth, either way stop letting the she demon's kill you because your dick is hard and you can't think straight.