Sunday, June 26, 2011


I hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday, hope you hit the church house or you're sharing your Sunday with your loved ones or you are enjoying a restful day whichever however if you're taking the time to read this I appreciate it so let's get into it.

A few weeks ago I met this guy let's call him Willie (no disrespect to the Willies of the world I just happen to be partial to the name Willie) and he was talking all the things I wanted to hear and there was such an urgency to his words and his purpose and he just knew I was his ONE and he was quoting scriptures and so needless to say I got swept on up in all the hoo-ha and I felt like I was on a magic carpet ride. In fact I met him on a Friday night and by Sunday night we were a couple....a couple of what you might ask hold on I'm getting to that..... let me take it a step further by Sunday he was already talking Engagement, Marriage, Baby Carriage, and a future together he had set a wedding date, he was saying he loved me he was just all in. Now in the back of my mind I was like something isn't quite right and I can't put my finger on it. While it all sounded nice I would just laugh it off and tell him I wasn't there yet because you know we only have known each other three days so far and anyone that knows me semi well knows I live for the grandeur and pageantry of a wedding so I will talk weddings and rings with you all day long doesn't mean I'm meeting you at the alter though.

I went to my friends of course and I was telling them about him and one of my friends starts telling me about the guy she has been dealing with for just about 10 years because him and Willie happen to have the same birth sign which started to cloud how I was feeling about Willie, then my other friend started bringing in his own experiences which further made me feel some kind of way about Willie because I already had my own doubts and my friends bless their hearts weren't helping me they were confusing me and sending me in a tailspin so needless to say by Tuesday I was emotionally drained and so confused I didn't know which way was up. SO I had to tell Willie listen we need to put the brakes on this thing I don't know which way is up anymore and I was telling him that I had talked to my friends and what all was going on with me well do you know that Willie got to going off, he got mad and starting just ranting and raving and saying he was so hurt which is his go to line to sucker you in to feeling bad and caving in. He went on and on about how my friend was jealous because this sucker she been willingly dealing with for 10 years whom she claims she doesn't really want or like on that level but she stay fooling with him and she also stay complaining and then be like girl what you think and I be like, "oh ha he ain't never going to change" all the while I'm thinking to myself girl stop, you stay frustrated with this chump but you continue to deal with him so why complain but you can't tell grown folks nothing and I've said to her numerous times just leave him alone then she gets mad at me but I digress back to me and Willie.

So by this time Willie is all hurt he over there just fuming I can feel the heat coming through my phone he want to fight my friend by this time and I'm still on the end of an emotional tail-spin so I'm trying to do damage control but at the same time I am feeling relieved and like I pulled my neck off the chopping block at the same time. It also made me question everything I thought I wanted, I thought I wanted marriage, and kids, and all that good stuff but I don't know if I want it right now. I was so sure when the opportunity presented itself I was going to just jump at the chance and just go with the flow but now I'm not so sure. I was also sure that when I met someone who was saying all the right things that everything else would fall into place. Then It hit me today why I am so turned off by Willie its the fact that he is so desperate. He is so desperate to be in a relationship, he is so desperate to be married, and he is desperate to start having some kids. He will be 30 next month so he figures he needs to get started on having his family my thing is though you can't support a family on no part time job unless you absolutely have too. The point is Willie doesn't have too but he wants what he wants right now and he's not moving from his part time nor is he seeking a full time he's happy where he is which is fine because jobs are hard to come by but his dreams of having a family might just have to stay dreams until something else gives.

Willie also comes from a big family so he doesn't see having next to no money or little money as a deterrent we have debated about this several times and he always wants to tell me about his uncle with the 11 kids, but his uncle has been on the same job since he was 18 and I'm pretty sure by now his uncle is at the top of his pay scale and his uncles kids are all 18 and up by now so the kids were raised in better times and the uncle might be more prudent with his money and investments and all that bottom line, you're not your uncle and you still have a part time damn job and no transportation might I add. So while Willie is a good guy he is also a desperate guy he also doesn't have many friends so he doesn't do much but work and chill at home. He wants me to be his bff as well as his women and sooner than later his wife and mother to his gaggle of children.

Willie had me drinking the kool-aid with him desperation can be contagious especially when the person you're dealing with is so sure that you are their one and only and if you don't be with them then their will be no one else so its a do or die situation and you better get aboard with their plan because they are you're one and only as well and you better wake up and recognize that or be left behind at the single station forever.  I even tried to convince myself that there was something wrong with me, he had me doubting everything. I kept questioning myself why do I feel this way, why don't I still have the same feelings for him I had in the beginning, what's wrong with me do I even want a relationship, or am I just happy single and I can be single for the rest of my life? The thought had never occurred to me that maybe I just don't want to be involved with anyone. It was a scary thought because I don't want to get to my damn near 40's talking about having a baby or still talking about I'm waiting for the ONE. I had been thinking about the other spectrum for so long it never occurred to me to think on the possibilities that being forever single is an option for myself. I mean yes I have heard all the dreadful black women statistics but in the back of my mind where hope floats I just knew that wasn't going to be me. I feel like I'm stuck between two extremes settle or single forever, desperate means one has given up so that you make a reckless decision because you don't see any other options in your future. I just can't subscribe to that the hope in me won't die and it refuses to allow me to just settle with anyone because I am allowed to be happy AND satisfied with my choices.

Willie is still around but...I'm not really interested in what he's talking about he says I never gave US a chance but he killed it with desperation instead of patience and letting nature take its course he tried to rush something  that should have been allowed to grow and now I'm just turned off and over the whole situation. I keep trying to tell Willie he might want to look else where but he's stubborn as a mule so...I let him be but as for me I'm back to my senses and single once again and for right now I'm in no rush to be in a relationship. If it happens cool if not that's okay as well. I thank Willie for bringing somethings to my attention that I hadn't thought of before so everything happens for a reason and Willie just ushered in a new season can't be mad about that.

So this video could be me and Willie minus the I love you's from me but everything else is pretty accurate