While some people tend to forget things my mind is a steel trap full of all the things done to me over the years. I have a full on catalogue of all the fucked up things I went through as a child and I always asked myself why me, why was I always walked on and stomped on and ostracized, picked on, even hit on. These same people today who perpetrated these acts against me don't even remember it. They don't see it, because it wasn't a big deal to them in their narrative my pain was/is not important. The things people have done to me over the years have left marks upon my person. They have shaped me and molded me to be the way that I am. I haven't had a lot of good experiences and these are my narratives and perceptions if you wanted me to think about you better then you would have treated me better. Just because in your mind and in your narrative you're the hero doesn't mean you're not the villain in my story! Recognize that, Acknowledge that and again I say if you wanted to be talked about in a different light then you would have acted better towards me.
I've thought long and hard about writing a book about my life all the negative things that have taken place in it, and then I thought about all the people who have been the villains in my life and mainly I didn't write it because I thought about being sued but if I'm not telling lies then why would I be sued. I've had some very negative things happen to me because I've always been fat, my hair might not have been combed the way it should have been, I might have been awkward and just more inclined to read books then socialize. It seemed like I was always fighting for my right just to not be bothered. I used to spend summer nights up ate up with anxiety recounting the past school year and how I just didn't fit in and how I just really hated everyone in the school I went to. Most of the "popular" kids made my daily existence hell. There was always a boy willing to fight me ALWAYS, and girls as well.
Maybe I was the Villain in their story maybe I bugged them and they just didn't want to be bothered with me so violence and anger was the way they dealt with me. Maybe I was such a nuisance that they only way they could get me to not be around them was by violent harsh means. I was the quintessential fat loner girl who longed for friendships but finding none all the same. Majority of this treatment went on during the 80's and early 90's I didn't have one place of refuge not one place. Ostracized from every place I went I've lived a lonely life and that's ingrained in me to the bone so if you ask me why I don't hold onto people this is why.
I've never made a lot of lasting friendships I don't believe in them people come in and out of your life like a revolving door. People will hurt you in the name of "friendship" they will forsake you when you do something they don't like. They will talk about you behind your back and smile in your face. I don't believe in the word friend. I don't trust a lot of people that's why I stick to myself. The less I'm around people the better I feel. I don't need false friends.
I understand how people turn into hermits and just shrink away from the world. I understand how people can seek out solitude and seclusion from others. Maybe its time I try and write that book finally lay these demons to rest......
