LOVE ROLLERCOASTER, ENJOY THE RIDE

I was talking to a friend and she was asking me about being in love, because she was feeling like she was IN love with someone that she just met at the end of last month she was feeling like it was too soon to have those type of feelings for a person she just met. I said to her ya know we get in our own way sometimes. We are human and we have emotions and before we got all caught up in the way of how it is now.

Times used to be much simpler, people used to connect on deeper levels faster and there were less distractions and obstructions to real genuine feelings and you would have no choice but to listen to what your heart and mind were telling you. In this day and age we are so distracted by all the shit we have in our lives, that feelings, listening to your heart syncing it up with your mind has gone out the window. All we care about now is syncing up our computers to our phones and other various applications and etc. We've put our emotions on the back burner and let everything else fall by the wayside. We've traded in our emotional intelligence for artificial intelligence and pseudo relations with each other. We will FACEBOOK each other, TWITTER each other, MYSPACE, FRIENDSTER, LINKEDIN, EMAIL, TEXT, SKYPE each other before we pick up the phone, visit, or meet each other. The internet is a wonderful tool for meeting people that you otherwise would have never even known about but eventually for it to be taken to a level where it can progress there has to be physical contact and interaction. Its all great that we can reach each other by all these different means but if you not planning on buying tickets or planning to meet then its all for nil...but I digress.

I am quite aware that some people might have their own agendas and some people are malicious with harmful intent and there are those that like to prey on the weak and the weak minded. But for all intents and purposes I'm not addressing those people I'm talking about when you meet the person that you just vibe with instantly, and they come in from out of the blue and from the time you meet them its like everything is instant and simple and just falls into place. They are the people you spend all your time thinking about, the ones that make you smile just by hearing their name, the ones that make you blush because you remember something they said that made your heart beat faster or made your body temperature spike, or when you think about them and in the very next few miutes they call you, I know it might be what many of the jaded refer to as the honeymoon stage when everything is euphoric, shiney and brand new when the rose tinted glasses are firmly in place but what if that is where it syncs for you and that person and you are able to ride it out without putting the kibosh on it before its time?

What if that honeymoon stage is the stage that takes you to the happily enough ever after? I think sometimes we get so caught up in the "what is supposed to be" vs what we should just let happen, sometimes you just have to ride shit out and see where it takes you, just enjoy the journey for what it's worth and appreciate the experience so if it doesn't pan out you can always look back and say but I loved, was loved, and it felt good to be loved that my friends is part of the journey of life so take the sweets when you can, because the bitter is always right around the corner waiting to knock you for a loop... Common said it best when he said "it doesn't take all day to recognize sunshine" and it doesn't. True some people come in our lives and they are just passing through, they are there to take us to the next level and they are there to impart something that we need at the time, so as long as it doesn't hurt roll with it enjoy the ride and be gracias when its time to get off! It's all trial and error, use your best judgement, listen to your inner voice, and trust your instincts. Listen to your inner warning system and if all else fails just leap and if it turns out that you shouldn't have guess what you learned something for next time!

Now in no way shape or form am I advocating having children with someone you barely know, indulging in destructive behaviors, or telling you to quit your job and relocate to a city to be with someone that you just met, I'm saying take the ride, weight the options, think it through and if you feel like you want to take the risk then DO IT! As long as you can deal with each decision made then do you, you are the only person who has to deal with the outcome.

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BISHES THAT MAKE MAURY A HOUSEHOLD NAME

The act of procreation is not cut and dry and 1,2,3 as people want to believe we all know that sperm fertilizes the egg but there are so many other ends and outs to it that it truly is one of those "God is the artist so allow him to use his paint brush to create sort of things." I don't think a lot of people get that, people around here just procreating because they hot in the ass with no real thought to their actions and it's sad. Being able to reproduce life and bring forth something out of your womb is a miraculous event and the people that seem to do it the most are the most inept shouldn't ever have kids type people.

Case in point:



This scenario where a chick has multiple partners and the egg is fertilized by more than one person causing twins is a raw occurrence, chick even had nerve to say she wasn't going to tell the other father I'm thinking ummm trick you on television telling the world already Lord please deliver my people from themselves for they truly know not what they do! But think about how many trick bunnies walking around with one child who has in actuality more than two daddies! Meaning one egg fertilized numerous times chick just getting skeeted numerous times not even knowing she already knocked up and still raw dogging dudes, its more common than you think folks. The point of conception is pretty much a guesstimate we all know someone who be like I counted it up, and I was with (insert name here) last so he gotta be the father when in actually if she has multiple partners it could be any one of them or all of them could have fertilized the egg smh. Why do people persist in play Russian roulette with their bodies? In this day and age shame has gone out the window and Maury is like a rite of passage shit is all bad, what can I do...I'm just one person trying to cling to some kind of decency and moral code... Read more...

P.S. I LOVE YOU

P.S. I Love You

Whenever I watch a movie that has a theme about love it always leaves me wondering and pondering the reality of love. When I watch a movie with a white cast love is colored different its magnanimous its all consuming it’s their end all and be all. It makes them greater it ennobles them and changes them they get so swept up by it and it defines them. It alters their perception and it always makes them better for having loved versus not having loved. In every white movie I have ever seen where there was love involved it has been this all encompassing and consuming larger than life force that has guided the actions of characters and used them as pawns being it to its will like a force on its own.

This has caused me to become a hopeless romantic because I have ingested these movies that are not in line with my reality. These movies that are made make love seem so noble and so worthwhile like it’s the ultimate answer to every ultimate question, and the love is never quiet or simple it’s huge and overwhelming and powerful. I’ve lived for 30 years and I have never ever felt something so huge and all consuming. I have never even had a little bit of that. Does it exist for me? Is my love weighted down and less powerful because I am a black woman? I try and explain it to the best of my knowledge it’s like white women are freer more unrestrained happier easier they aren’t weighted down by the color of their skin, their economic situations, scratching out their places in the world having to be smarter, work harder, work longer, to be seen as competent in the work place. I am well aware of the glass ceiling but if white women have it bad it’s ten times worst for a black woman.

It’s easier to love freer and to just be when you don’t have a cultural noose around your neck. I can’t speak for anyone else but in my experience I have always tried to be rational and not allow myself to get swept up in lust, sometimes I didn’t succeed in my efforts but as I have grown older I have learned to steer clear of foolish lustful endeavors, but I hear that white women just pretty much let the passion take them over and they give in to their impulses far more often than a black woman. From Fairy tales to modern day romance movies I feel like I have been lied to. There is no all encompassing love that is going to come in and change you and make you a better person at least not for me, there is no all consuming love that is going to just make me into a better person and set my heart on fire. I would have liked to have such a love but this isn’t the movies and I’m not some blond haired, fair skinned damsel in distress waiting for the perfect boy to sweep me off of my feet and change me because our love is that big. The reality of it is black folks have love with restraint and conditions, always some sort of conditions, White folks seem to just be able to fall seamlessly in love and it changes them completely it makes them better people to and for each other.

Make no mistake I am well aware that it doesn’t always work out but the journey and the ride makes it seem like it’s worth it. This is why I stick to horror films because getting killed, maimed, twisted or frightened is something that can happen to anyone there is no huge difference in how bad things are perpetrated in movies we all know the ethnic characters get killed first and then everyone else but they all dies painful and under horrible circumstances. It’s a revelation though to know that my inner romantic was getting fed off of these white romance movies now I know how to starve that bitch and finally kill her off. It’s sad if you really think about it this is what keeps black folks from loving each other and just giving in. We weren’t taught to love like that we always had to focus on just living and trying to maintain and if we happened to find love then it was always an afterthought or secondary, love is a luxury that one can’t afford because the business of living is costly and the almighty dollar calls for heavy sacrifices. It’s amazing how love is colored different depending on your skin color and economic status.

If you don’t think so then you’re either a fool, or an optimist that wears a special brand of rose tinted contacts. Either way ignorance is bliss but I’ve never liked living in la-la-land and it took me sometime to figure it out, like going to a therapist all this time and the cause and cure was stop believing in this romance movies that are getting cranked out and shoved down your throat like bitter medicine. Hell the stuff in movies isn’t real that’s why it’s a movie no one wants to watch real love onscreen that’s depressing the movies are an escape from reality. So I am killing off my inner romantic slowly but surely now that I’ve finally got to the root of my problem.

So here’s to the death of my inner romantic and the dewy eyed optimistic outlook she was secretly holding onto I kept wondering what kept giving me false hope and I now realize it was these movies and now I know I was creating in my mind a blueprint for failure. I didn’t think I was that impressionable but somehow the impression was made on me that romance and love was attainable and love was this huge wonderful emotion, that’s not my reality and to wait for it would be detrimental and foolish so now that I know that I will make it my business to stop believing in celluloid and airbrushed magic. I feel so foolish realizing that all this time I have been secretly holding on to this unrealistic concept of love because of movies wow now that the rose colored contacts are finally off I can let go of my silly romantic notions and resign myself to a loveless fate it’s alright I have a great soundtrack…. Read more...

NO ONE EVER THINKS ABOUT THE DIRT

If you are the oldest of your brothers and sisters or even a mother you will understand this and empathize with me completely. Often times when you are the oldest a lot of responsibility is heaped upon your shoulders and as soon as the next sibling(s) comes along you find yourself no longer the only child but the one that is pushed to the back sort of pushed out of the way because you came first and by the time the other siblings drop you are expected to be self sufficient and self reliant. This sets the precedent the tone for the rest of your life as the Eldest, The oldest, the first one. I don't think the younger siblings see the sacrifices that the oldest makes, they don't see the hard first we have to break through in order for our parents to be worn down by the time it's their turns. I don't think that they get that we are responsible for them, if you were like me you did a lot of looking after your siblings so much in fact it molded and shaped your personality early. I got used to being the surrogate mother hell I have been wiping asses and raising children seems like all my life but I have yet to have any of my own.

I am proud of the young man that my youngest/middle brother is because I know that I helped him get this far. I helped with homework, with emotional crisis, with a shoulder and strong back to lean on, and with sound advice, even helping him laugh and shaping his sense of humor and sense of independence. I was so proud that he got into the college he choose, I was proud that he has this amazing talent that has been nurtured and that will carry him where ever he chooses to go. I am extremely proud I was here to watch him become a young adult, I would have felt cheated if I hadn't seen him grow up. I was here for his prom, I was here for his graduation, I was here for all the important milestones and he's not finished yet this I am sure of.

I know people think I am harsh with my siblings but I see their potential and I want what's best for them even when they try my patience and nerves. Even when they do things to me that break my heart and make me want to fuck them up. I love each of my siblings genuinely and deeply. That's why when they do something that causes their lives to veer off unto unfamiliar and bumpy paths my disappointment in their choices are great. I know they each have to live their lives but I will always be their older sister that will never change. I will always want what's best for them even if they don't want it or recognize it for themselves. Once you become the oldest that role never stops, it becomes life shaping and huge. It colors your world and it shapes your thoughts and actions. It makes you more responsible more cautious it makes you reevaluate your choices because you know your choices are going to be the measuring stick that is used by your parents to guide and tweak your siblings so that they don't make the same mistakes they made with the older kids. Every set back every wrong turn will be magnified and examined and used as a guide as what not to do for your sibling. Your name will be drug into conversation after conversation especially if you mess up and your siblings get it right the first time they attempt something you will never hear the end of it NEVER!

But that is the role that you have been caste into, it takes a strong person to be the oldest. You don't get the luxury of being really seen anymore, you don't have the luxury of still having your parents all to yourself and you become a surrogate parent of sorts, you start being given more responsibilities more chores by the time you hit your late twenties you feel like you have already raised some kids and had your own family, well maybe not you all but I do. I feel like I have lived a first life and now I'm on my second, the funny thing is I don't recall having any fun carefree moments if I did they were few and far between. I feel like I have always been old, taking care of someone not having the luxury of just being responsible for myself and I don't think my siblings appreciate that, not at all.

I don't think they see the things I have done, endured for them. The worry, the prayers, the wishes, the hopes, the dreams. I don't think they see any of that. I don't think they appreciate me having less so that they could get more, I don't think they can appreciate the fact that without me as their advocate in somethings they wouldn't have been heard or taken seriously. I know that in that respect mothers and eldest children will always be alike they give so much and do so much on a daily basis that it goes unseen. No one evaluates the journey but they always examine the end product. It's like a rose growing up through concrete its a beautiful flower in the middle of the most unconventional place ever, but the rose is the end product but how did that rose push up through that concrete and get what it needed to bloom, grow, and thrive?

No one ever thinks about the dirt!

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BEAT& SKEET VS. WIFEY TYPE YOU CHOOSE

First and foremost well all new and old readers & lovely followers it does my old cantankerous soul good to see that my follower count is finally creeping up its never about quantity always about quality, so I would rather grow slow instead of shooting up fast that means you are in it for the long haul as readers. Enough mushy let's get straight to the meat!

Proverbs 18:22 (New Living Translation)

22 The man who finds a wife finds a treasure,
and he receives favor from the Lord.

In case you are interested in reading the scripture that describes a A WIFE OF NOBLE CHARACTER of course if you want to read the scripture just click on the words.

I know my last post was about sex but I got to really thinking about it and turning things over in my mind about it and I got some more stuff I wanted to talk about involving sex and since this is the month of black history and valentines day I'm going to keep my love/sex series going so leave your opinions and thoughts because I value learn and grow from the constructive opinions of my readers and random passer-bys.

Ladies and gentlemen if you happen to read this blog I know you should know be familiar with the term Beat and Skeet™ if you're going to use the term please reference THE 78 MS. J thanks. Anywho I know this debate has been going on since Eve bit the apple and Adam threw her under the bus for it punk will a woman who has sex with a man on the first date brand her in the eyes of said man a HOE, ladies this one is a no brainer, I'm sorry this is the way it is and has been for centuries and unless society suddenly overnight erases everything about the way men and women interact with each other and the double standards that are held in society this particular standard is written in stone on the wall of date rules, then yes if you let him Beat and Skeet™ you on the first date you just went from nice girl to freak in 0.2 seconds and there is no coming back from that you won't be seen as wifey material, you will be the chick he calls after the club so he can slide through.

I believe that people have forgotten that you CAN NOT separate your spirit from your mind, emotions and feelings. Every time you lay down with someone you are sharing more than just a nut you are exchange life forces, there is a reason why men and women are built the way that they are. Sex is not meant to be recreational its meant for a much deeper connection I don't think a lot of people understand that. Every person that you sleep with you take into yourself their life force their energy, their fluids, we are human beings made up of flesh, blood, organs and spiritual energy and that gets exchanged every time you have sex with someone. That is a serious thing and in this day and age it is taken way to lightly.

Now I know many women who say if they are feeling someone they should be able to just give it up and let the dude hit that the first time they meet/go out and still be seen as decent women, the truth is ladies we are the thinkers, the ones who are emotional, and yes as outdated as it may seem or you want it to be we are the holders of our own virtue! So if you let a dude hit it the first time/day you guys hang out/have a date then yes you will be branded a hoe. Now if you are not looking for a man/long term relationship/marriage and you just like testing penis and mattresses out then by all means girl do you (please use condoms birth control and get regularly screened for STD's HIV/AIDS) This is for the ladies that are trying to be seen as marriage material not for those who just want to have "fun".

Now I have to be completely honest with you, I know realistically in this day and age nobody is waiting until they get married to have sex, but when you do wait a decent amount of time and then you eventually end up having sex does it wreck the relationship or take it to the next level and after you do that how much longer then should it take for him to want to wife you? What if you put your best freak nasty moves on him but he doesn't wife you, and the relationship breaks up then what? Have you then sold your virtue to the highest bidder? I understand that not everyone you date/have a relationship with is going to be marriage material for you but if you keep sleeping with all these different people...doesn't it take some of the specialness and sacredness out of the act of sex and intimacy? If you have done all your finest tricks with everyone before you get married what do you have left? Maybe its just me...but these are some of the questions that go through my mind. This is probably why I haven't tripped over not really having anyone in my life because I know eventually we are going to come to this road and to me sex has become overrated and tired. It has been whored and exploited to no ends until we are desensitized to it and it shouldn't be that way it should be new fresh and pleasant not old stale and unsatisfying but I digress.

If you are a long term reader by now you should already know how I feel about just jumping in the bed with any and everybody, you have to pace yourself and you have to value yourself you can't throw your pearls before swine and think that the swine is going to appreciate them it just doesn't work that way. We need to tell our daughters, nieces, sisters, sister-friends, and all the women in our lives that being a woman is a hard job and yes as much as you want to be free from restrictions there are rules to this thing called life. As we get older we are able to sift through the lies, and the messages that are filtered through the media and we should be able to recognize the truth, even though the world is full of people having sex it does not make it so for those of us who are really in the dating trenches. Yes we all have our set backs but ladies anything worth having is worth working for, if he doesn't have to work to get it then in his mind you lose a lot of your shine and value. You don't even have to take my word for it ask your fathers, brothers, cousins, the men in your life that will tell you the truth, or just watch the following videos.

VIDEOS that are hitting on realness:





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THE RULES OF INTERACTION FOR BD/BM'S & THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS

This Sunday a ninja broke the cardinal rules of interaction pertaining to baby daddy/momma family boundaries and the likes. Causing me to go ahead and write up the rules of interaction so that it shall forever be broken down to you ninja's and so you can't walk around claiming you don't know the etiquette for being a BM/BD especially if you are not on good terms with your BM/BD. This post may be offensive to the legions of BD/BM's out there but hey it is what it is take it up with management, which is me. Now on to the post:


1. Thou shalt not EVER send a note to the family member of your estranged BM OR BD, even if you are on speaking terms and shit. It's just not cool it causes to much confusion and can lead to he-say she-say.

2. If said sibling of BM/BD does not like your ass then please please please don't even try to get to the bottom of why said sibling doesn't like your ass just accept that shit and keep it moving.

3. Please don't mean mug family members, attempt to fight them, call them out their names, go to their place of business, call their jobs, or any of that loosey goosey shit because that then justifies an immediate ass whooping maybe even a shit- shanking.

4. If you see a BD/BM family member in the streets and they don't speak, and if they don't glance your way please don't chase them down and attempt to make conversation, that will cause a scene and some pepper spray action to go down, or you might even get drug behind their car or ran over.

5. By all means please feel free to block, ignore, even move to another state if you and the family of the BD/BM do not get along it probably would be better for you in the long run.

6. If you care way to much what a BM/BD's family member has to say, think, or feel about you then you probably should leap off a tall building, or immediately seek some counseling for your situation.

7. realize that blood will ALWAYS be thicker than water. You should tread lightly where family is concerned especially if you and the BM/BD aren't together anymore, things just aren't going to go in your favor. It's the laws of nature accept it and you will be better off.

8. Don't attempt to use emotional blackmail concerning the child this will only cause bitterness and anger and might even get you stomped out.

9. Don't show up at any type of family function even when invited because most likely someone there hates your ass and you might get stomped out by the hood cousins (don't act like you don't have none) and it will just be all bad.

10. Do not, DO NOT (had to emphasize that point) run to the mother of the BD/BM to try and get them on your side this will cause again hatred and bitterness towards that ass and might even result in property damage in extreme cases.

In conclusion folks if you are a BM/BD or have one in your family please explain the rules of engagement to these folks. It's getting out of hand, you should know your place and you should be content within yourself knowing that through your actions you chose that position so play your part. It's no use being bitter or a hater especially if you knew from jump that the person you were laying down with wasn't shit especially if you knew it was just a beat and skeet type situation. Of course there are exceptions to every rule but when ever you're having sex you must always prepare yourself for the possibility that you could get knocked up or knock someone up that is just a given!

I have no sympathy for anyone who is a consenting adult who lays down on their back with their legs in the air we all know how babies are made, an "accident" can't happen if you aren't on your P's and Q's especially when engaging in sex. It's way to many options/avenues to stop from getting pregnant way to many in this day in age. So please if you are a BM/BD don't try and branch out and find a new avenue of interaction this is what it is and how it will be until folks cut out the BD/BM fuckery and get back into actually having families.

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SHE ONE OF THEM FOLKS THAT LIKE TYLER PERRY, SHE MUST BE UNINTELLIGENT!

Before you get too excited and think that this is a Tyler Perry bashing post think again. I notice that in the black culture we have spawned a new fraction of folks. I like to call them the intellectuals, the high-browed individuals that do their all to break with the ties of yesterday. They are the sons and daughters of 1 generation buppies, the folks that broke out the ghetto's, the hoods, the poor south, and pulled themselves up and got enough money to run from everything their parents stood for and represented.

They frown on "hooping and hollering religion" they prefer churches that are sedate and less emotional when they go. They frown on what they call plantation food and of course they don't dare press their hair, or use grease. They stick to perms, get high lights, wear cashmere sweaters and only eat at euro-Asian cuisine restaurants. They join ritzy health clubs they stay getting pedis and medis they stay getting facials, they are the superstars of in mixed society. You can recognize them by their skinny jeans, their frohawks, they are the ones that sound Caucasian they have an affinity for European bands that have whiny moody music they talk about all the cars they have driven, want or need, they live by their blackberry's they covet their designer dogs and coffee and they are as unblack as they can get with pigment.

They don't care about culture they have broken from the past and they are too far removed from slavery and the ghetto, that is all beneath them many don't even bother learning about their history they have their eyes firmly on the prize that huge bank account that finally has enough money in it to erase their color. This is the goal of the new "intellectual black" they go out of their way to prove they are good, and righteous and as unnegro as possible so as not to offend. They use whole words they enunciate, they speak in tones that are mild and not with too much bass as not to cause undo concern in their Caucasian counterparts. They even have Caucasian/Asian/ or Spanish wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and shop at j. crew H&M and the gap because Jcpenny's is too common. They wouldn't be caught dead in an old fashioned Cadillac but they pay 60k for a Cadillac truck but please don't put any ghetto rims on them and no they don't want it in black please only the champagne colored one with the slight window tint. No we don't need extra bass how passe!



These same folks frown heavily on the masses of black folk that dare be common, loud, raucous, uncouth and who show to much emotion, who still depend on Jesus to give them everything, who don't/didn't go to college who only went to vocational school. Who have cars but live in apartments who are backwards in comparison, the same folks who might go see a Tyler Perry madea movie the misguided good "church" folks and their elk. What's as ridiculous as the stereotypes I typed above is the assumption that all black people who go to church or have "religion" want to see or even like Tyler perry movies. Why does one fraction of people have to be cubbyholed or branded with the same branding iron because of SOME?



I personally don't have anything against Tyler Perry, I like the movies he has made. I don't fault him for his characters or his way of thinking he is one man, just like many didn't like Spike Lee movies or John Singletons early movies I see all of the projects from these men individually with their own unique perspective and slant on the world. Every black person does not have to have the same freaking experience but we do have more commonalities than not. No matter how far you try and run from that or close the door on that fact it will always be there just as sure as your African features. So my "intellectual" black folk that hate the whole Tyler Perry franchise that's fine and that's your right, but I think its ridiculous to speak on something you have never even bothered to see. I think its ridiculous to say that because "religious" black folks keep supporting him he will keep making these movies, I think its ridiculous to keep throwing stones at Mr. Perry when you can simply go to his website and tell him that you want to see something different a closed mouth does not get fed.

If you are so offended and want him to do something better than perhaps you should start writing your own scripts, coming up with your own projects and then putting them on your own channels its great to complain about the issue and then keep it pushing and do nothing about it, but how productive is that? If you want to see a different voice in hollyweird then be that voice, be that change if you think you can do better why not get the "intellectual" faction together and start making the television programs, movies, books, music that you want to see and hear? If you got beef with the man then make your voice heard don't be shyNOTHING TO IT BUT TO DO IT!

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LET'S JUST GO HALF ON A BABY

Mary and Joseph, Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King, Malcolm X and Betty Shabazz. These are examples of extraordinary people who changed the face of history. I point these people out specifically to say you don't know whom you are giving birth to. Now these people were exceptions to the rule not every child is going to turn out to be extraordinary. Most will be doing good just being productive and happy adults. I write this post because it seems like everyone around me has a child, some have multiple. It never seemed so pronounced as of late, I guess because I am older and most by my age are on baby three while I have yet to even get started or plan for baby one. I don't know if others who don't have children but would like to have some maybe begin to think like this?

You don't know when you lay down with a person and combine genes and DNA without respect of life or forethought whom you will bring forth out of your womb. It blows my mind like a breeze from the Santa Ana's how people give no forethought no serious planning into the making of another human being that will be brought forth upon this planet. It is a serious undertaking being a parent, nurturing a child, caring for that child's well being, and upbringing. Now a day's every celeb with a working reproductive system is pushing out a child and giving these children God awful names, and then pushing them off on nannies to raise. They are scooping children up left and right from continents like they are picking up exotic purses. Caring not for the child's cultural identity, upbringing nor heritage. What happens when these children begin to grow up and see faces like theirs but they can't and won't know how to relate to these people of same origin, but I digress...

Like I said it blows my mind how people are arrogant and so egotistical and clumsy when it comes to procreation I wonder what would have happened if God had decided to slap man together as clumsily as humans procreate!!! I know I wanted at least one child in my lifetime but as I think about it, and examine my motives for it I really don't have a concrete clear cut reason as to why I want a child. It's purely emotional and like we all should be aware of emotions change daily and on a whim. The strongest urges in human nature are to re-create, and self perseverance and having a child is a form of self preservation. You want your essence to live on in this world, you want to mark the planet, and having children is one of the greatest markers there is. Having a child is purely selfish and is taken way to lightly in this society.

There is a rule in society that states that Fucked up people, do fucked up things, IE:hurt people, hurt other people. Some of these same people are mothers and fathers... so then what happens to the child of a hurt/fucked up person? Since the hurt/fucked up person is more times egocentric than not, you can imagine the types of hell they inflict on their children. They give birth to children so that they can use them as emotional, mental, and physical punching bags. Inflicting the wounds that were inflicted on them as children. Making a whole other set of hurt/fucked up people. Some cycles never end because people don't know how to end them... so I guess my thought process today is how do you know you are supposed to have children? Did you do it because it was a selfish want that you catered to, was it a careless chance of sex roulette that you lost, or did you plan your child down to the choosing of the partner?

Just a little food for thought feel free to leave comments!







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BECAUSE U ASKED ME 2

Dear S.

Long time no talk with you but you decided to find me again so welcome back lets us see where we end up the 2nd time around. You're a sweet guy I sense that, I also sense a little bit of sadness in you. I think its noble you want to change the world and uplift black folks, but your one man. Your heart is big and even though your back is strong and your shoulders broad they aren't strong enough for the task you want to undertake. I love your superhero syndrome but what about just being there for that one special person? I think at the end of the day...you will find what your looking for. Maybe you came back around so I could point you in the right direction...maybe you came to help me out maybe we will be each others compass... maybe this is a second chance for redemption, or maybe just a nice way to clean up an old mess.

I really don't know the reason you asked me to write a post about you...maybe you just wanted to feel a little important...maybe you just wanted some spotlight to shine down on you if just for a fleeting moment, or maybe you wanted to be immortalized on the internet...like I said I don't know your motivation but I'm trying. I do appreciate the talks we have even if it's just words filling up empty hours that don't amount to much. It's almost like I reached out for you, or you heard me in your dreams...yea as crazy as that seems. I like how you try and give me sweet sentiments even though I bust you every time when you try and write out a mack line, it's still sweet in an underhanded way. I will always remember when I asked you what you were thinking about and you said my happiness as if you were responsible for it. That put a smile on my face even if it was just a fleeting sentiment.

Even if you are gossamer and I called you up with my spirit I appreciate the talks we had in this last month of this year. I appreciate you appreciating my smile, and I love how you love your family even before yourself. A beautiful fault to have, I know this probably isn't what you had in mind but...this is what came out. I hope it put a smile on your face and I hope it made your day.

Sincerely ME.


P.S. Remember when you made that statement and I said "Right." What I wanted to say was if you were sincere, if you were for real, if you meant it with all your heart...then I hope it happens.

P.S.S if you make the mistake of doing something so jacked up that I have to retract this post you will regret it! Don't take the song literally it just went with the title.

This quote made me think of you, look how it found me like you did again...strange.
Only a life lived in the service to others is worth living." ~ Albert Einstein

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HINDSIGHT IS THE BITCH THAT IS MARRIED TO LIFE

I feel like after a certain age certain things you just should know better, when you are in your twenties then sure it's that between time from teenager to real adult so go ahead trial and error your butt off, but once you get to that 30 mark you should know better, and do enough in your twenties to have fun but you gotta keep your eye on the prize because after 29 there are no do overs. Shit is what it is! You should have spent your twenties discovering what path you wished to take in life and setting your eyes upon the future that's what your twenties are for. By the time your 30th birthday comes around you should be ready to be a full adult, putting behind you all hood rat, ghetto mentalities, establishing your career, or business, setting sights on getting your first house and hopefully if your blessed at least engaged. Ideally that is the way it should go but see to me that IS MY IDEAL on how it should work the fucked up part is hindsight is a bitch! I went through my twenties directionless just floundering, in my youth I wasn’t so wise I didn’t see things clearly like I should have. I was distracted and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Now at 30 I have all of these hindsight but now it’s like too little too late. My life is all fucked off and it just doesn’t seem to be getting any better.

My Madre for one doesn't think that I am hard enough on myself, simply because I don't give her the pleasure of beating up on myself in front of her. I stay in my room a lot behind a closed door and unless you are inside my psyche you can't know how I perceive myself. I spend a lot of time in thought, agonizing, reflecting, looking at different angles as to how I am going to change my life, take it in a different direction, pick the pieces up. No one but I am concerned with myself. But I guess since I hold everyone else up to my same standards I am considered being judgmental. When I don't understand someone’s life decisions and I can't empathize with someone because they had all these tools at their disposal but they choose not to use them I can't feel sorry for them I am then called heartless, cruel, even said to have a black heart. When someone who doesn't have messed up credit has an able body, an able mind, and even a set of employment skills but they won't get a job, they refuse to find employment BUT want everyone to bend over backwards and help them I'm supposed to have symptom for someone like that?

it’s funny how this one person on my twit line told me I should get a part time job I was like well shit why didn’t I think of that (insert extreme sarcasm) I’ve applied for jobs big and small, state, federal, government, even a company I got fired from same parent company different branch. I keep taking test after test, and either getting wait listed, or just plain out refused the job. I’ve applied out of state, in state, big small, part time full time, my resume is constantly in rotation, over flooded on job board sites if someone sends me info about a job then I get on it. I want to work! Yes I applied for seasonal positions, walking the local mall, even going down to la and putting out feelers out there. It’s triple hard when you don’t have transportation, no transportation money, and no way to get money. In my world since I don’t have kids its either get a job or go without.

God it’s so easy for people just to say to me well get a job like I don’t want one, like I haven’t been looking, like I wasn’t looking when I had a part time job, like I wasn’t trying to go back to school, but no money can’t pay fees, can’t buy books, what about financial aid; just pays for my classes still have to come up with the admission fees, and then again there is the transportation issue. I have all of these people who have all of these suggestions but no real help. This other chick on my twit line told me to go apply down in Venice Beach, I don’t live anywhere near Venice Beach, she then suggested I try and be a stewardess, after that point I just sort of tuned her out. I can apply for every job under the sun but:

1. Credit checks: are a major issue, but the fucked up part is if your credit is fucked but you can’t get a job how can you fix it? Someone has yet to explain that too me. On an interview for a job this perky white lady said to me “well if you at least send them something it shows a willingness to fix it.” I just nodded my head because of course when YOU HAVE NO JOB you have no income but maybe I am speaking Turkish. In the same interview the white man said to me well we can’t hire a person in the government with bad credit because it becomes an integrity issue. You become more susceptible to bribery. You are more tempted to steal when your credit is bad.

2. Weight discrimination: my mother, my grandmother, my third cousin all of them have said well your weight is probably keeping you from getting a job also. So fat people don’t have to work? They can just sit at home and just curl up in a ball and die? I know the whole world wants fat people to just go away for feel ashamed or some shit but the majority of the world is fat, fuck get over it. If you want the whole world to be one size then they need to come up with a plan to ban all fast food, develop a pill that makes everyone the same size, and then come up with a pill to make everyone the same color fuck diversity. If we are all the same size, all the same color, then all our problems would be solved and the world would be a much better place right????? Fat discrimination is done subtly but its done everyday I am up against more mountains literally then others but I keep putting in applications I keep applying I keep on keeping on but it’s netting me no results.

All things stem from money you can’t do shit in this lifetime without fucking money. They say you shouldn’t have just one stream of income coming in I have a ZAZZLE store that I sell products from but that is extremely slow money. I might get someone that buys something like every blue moon. I also love arts in crafts but that takes money. I am always trying to figure out something that one great break through for me, that something that will turn my life around. I keep thinking and thinking I don’t know who I should pray too, or what I should do to get there, and please know that I write not for sympathy because I know everyone is going through something I write because I love it and I think its great if someone even reads what I write it would be great if someone happened upon my blog and thought that I wrote well enough to offer me a publishing deal or some sort of job working in the publishing world even if it was getting the damn executives their coffee. I wish a lot of things would happen but wishes don’t come true for people like me because I’m just an ordinary everyday run of the mill type girl and miracles and wishes don’t exist in my world. Read more...

UNTIL YOU DO RIGHT BY US EVERYTHING YOU THINK ABOUT GON' FAIL

MY BROTHER WAS ROBBED! Once again the dickheads at the guitar center can't see the talent that my brother has, once again they have blatantly disregarded my brother like he doesn't live and breathe drumming. Like he didn't KILL everyone who he went up against last night. I don't know what the hell they are grading him on but something is seriously wrong with the judges and this fucking competition. Every year that he has entered it has always been something. Every year they act like my brother who has been playing drums since age two, who has his own set, who played for his high school band all four years, who on Sundays plays drums for church, who can out play any of the drummers he comes against old head drum dudes be in awe of his talent. What the fuck?!?!?! So how can one suck ass competition not see his talent? How can they keep robbing him time and time again? Tony Royster Jr. a young dude who started out like my brother sat there and judged my brother last night and found him not worthy! You serious? The old dude from Blondie sat there and judged my brother and found him not worthy again you serious?

I really thought this year was going to be different but I guess not, I guess I was lulled into a false sense of security I knew he had this on level of the competition on lock and my brother confirmed it when he played and he had to go FIRST! He blew everyone away per usual, he was the only one dressed like a decent young man everyone else came in jeans and t-shirts. He was so gracious when he lost me on the other hand not so much. I was pissed off cursing and I really wanted to knock some of the displays down. My brother even took a picture with the wack ass dude that is Tony Royster Jr. because he is one of the dudes my brother admires. Even when the announced the winner the dude they gave it too was shocked cause he knew he wasn't the best drummer you should have seen his face. This competition, the store, the judges this is solely from the drummers sister but you assholes were wrong and once again you can eat a sick dripping dick! I don't care what band you're from, I don't care who you went on tour with, and I really don't give a shit who your father is, if you can't recognize clear cut talent when you see it then you're worthless and all your talent amounts to nothing.



I even waited to write this post so that my anger would be less sever but nope it's like indigestion burning in my chest this shit is insane I woke up still mad, and still with a sense of unserved justice. I just really don't understand. I don't. I don't get it at all, the only thing I can see them trying to ding him on is when he played a little bit of Rhianna but that was just like .5 seconds just a smidge to show that he had variation in his style. It's not even like he played the whole song. Even if they tried to ding him for that it should have been like 1/2 a point off at least everyone else that went after my brother was weaksauce! WEAKSAUCE.

If you're a musician I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do but I would boycott the Guitar Center, that's just my opinion but if you hit them in their pockets maybe they would realize that they once again robbed someone who has talent, technique and style. Who's personable also, humble, and gracious even in the face of obvious and blatant denial of talent. I really could see if my brother was some poot butt kid who was just unpolished and just some marginal type drummer. But even on his worst day he could play circles around the other dudes he went up against last night. I hear him play drums, I watch him play his drums he has even volunteered and went back to help the kids in his high school he graduated from last year during the summer. He was drum major for two years of high school I mean for real? He watches drum videos like they are bet uncut videos just drinking in the technique and style of other drummers. He's a great, gracious, and talented kid, who even has a damn hearing disability but that has never ever stopped him from doing what ever he needed to do in life. In fact he doesn't even lean on his disability it's like not even an issue, he hasn't ever tried to collect S.S.I for it, he hasn't ever tried to milk the system none of that. He's just a normal kid who just lives his life and what God left out in hearing he added in talent.

I just don't understand how people could not see my brother and recognize him for the obvious star he is? It's an ugly thing when you truly seek to rob someone of their greatness. It's an ugly thing when you keep telling someone who is great that they are not worthy of some dinky ass shit that's not even like huge. It's an ugly thing when the people who work at the Guitar Center say to me "your brother was robbed! He was the best one up there!" Now if the employees can see that why couldn't the judges? All my brother could say was it just wasn't his time, and that is was okay, he wasn't even mad. I was the one angry I had enough anger for me and him, even a professional drummer who is a friend of the family said that my brother was robbed he was so disturbed by this blatant sham of a contest he didn't know what to do.

I'm still so angry about this it's going to take a long time for me to let this go. I don't care what happens to me or what people say against me because its not that big of a deal, but when you mess with family, then we have a whole other set of issues, and when you can't recognize talent for what it truly is then to me you're dead and buried. You have ceased to exist if ever I need anything music wise I will not be buying it from Guitar Center trust and believe. They have fucked this family over for the last and final time.

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SAVE ME BEFORE I MURDER A SIBLING

It's truly amazing to watch siblings as they grow and go places you have already been but they think that they are the first ones to ever step toe out of the comfort of home. It's amazing how just beginning the first years of college can turn one into a certified asshole overnight, you would think that siblings would humble themselves enough to say I haven't made it yet I am only beginning this journey and you might have some advice on the subject so let me remain humble and try and learn from someone who has been there and done that but no. Some people learn hard, they have to touch fire to see that it burns, they have to touch a razor and cut themselves before they believe its sharp.

It irritates me when people think that because they are on the same path that others have walked even though their journey is just beginning they are above those that came before them. It's sad to see when a member of your family is oblivious to others thoughts and feelings, they don't see the sacrifices that others have made, they don't see the backs that they are stepping on they think that they got it all locked up and that they won't be where others have failed. Pride always cometh before a fall, it's great to want to achieve things and become something and follow your dreams but your dreams shouldn't have to come at the expense of others dignity and self esteem. I hate that family is the main people who take advantage of you because they feel like you are obligated to always be there for them, or obligated to do things for them when you aren't.

It's amazing how sometimes family is just another way of saying license to be verbally abusive and emotionally scarring to those that share your same DNA. For the sake of my sibling I hope he does reach the goal of where he is trying to go but if he is going to continue to do it at others expense I hope he is prepared to not ever need any support because the same people you stepped on to get to the top is the very same people you will have to see on your way down to the bottom!

I want the very best for all of my siblings but I will damned if I am their personal whipping post that is not in this BPYT'S personal description, might have to bring on some tough love!

Anyway sorry for the vent post but we all have family that drives us up the wall right? It would be great if you guys could drop off some dealing with family tips before a sista catch a case because I can't blog from jail, so save me if you love my blog and leave copping tips in the comment section please and thank you. Read more...