PRIMING THE PUMP, GETTING THE HEART TO BEAT

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
--Lao Tzu

If he is the first thing you think of when you wake up,
the only thing you think of when you're awake,
and the last thing you think of before you go to bed,
then he is really somebody special.

" Our love must not be a thing of words and fine talk. It must be a thing of action and sincerity. "
~ I John 3:18

As a Rose absorbs the nutrients it feeds on and as it thrives to see the sun as it must to survive...... the Rose becomes more beautiful and in turn will provide sunshine to those who can behold it's beauty. Fortunate is the Man who can see the Rose within a Woman. Blessed is the man who this Woman holds to be her nutrient, her sunshine.
Art Denton



Immature love says "I love you because I need you." Mature love says "I need you because I love you."
- Erich Fromm

A woman who does not trust love will never know the exquisite security of giving herself.
~Maya Angelou

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
Theodore M Hesburgh

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
James Baldwin



Love is strong yet delicate.It can be broken.To truly love is to understand this.To be in love is to respect this.
Stephen Packer

All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us.
The Wonder Years

I have learned not to worry about love; But to honor its coming with all my heart.
Alice Walker

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.
Flavia Weedn

Between husband and wife there should be no secrets from one another. I have a very high opinion of the marriage tie. I hold that husband and wife merge in each other. They are one in two or two in one.
Mahatma Gandhi

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IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS AND THE JOY THEY BRING

It occurred to me that I often share the bad but not often the good, now my life is not as colorful as some but simple things delight me like finding a free standing M.A.C store in my local mall suddenly the mall just became a whole lot cooler again.

Spending time with my family especially my nieces and nephews who are such crazy fun awesome kids they amaze me with the things they do and say. Then there is my love of doing arts and crafts, painting anything that is paint-able and something as simple as finding a really cute pair of jeans, or getting my hair done or my feet and nails done. These are the little nuggets of richness in my life the mundane everyday ordinary things that are delightful.

Hearing a new song that has to be put on repeat until I am absolutely tired of it, trips to the 24/7 walmart, scented candles, warm comforters, cute shoes, black and white movies, anime cartoon and movies, writing, karaoke, online shopping.

Hobo bags, leggings, warm boots, concerts, having a girls night out, trips to Vegas, being told you're sexy,cute,pretty, etc ego boosters, personalized jewelry, going to the movies sparingly because they are so high its better to just buy the dvd now, doing a good deed, treating someone to something when you have the resources, shopping for my niece, listening to her chatter, playing with her.

New ink, being inspired to get new ink, a favorite tattoo, smelling good, a trusty ipod whatever generation, fuzzy sweaters, funky colored heels, a signature scent, HULU, waking up in my right mind, oatmeal with brown sugar, warm slippers, comfy bedclothes, putting on makeup, taking makeup off and just unwinding after a night out, watching my brothers grow up, new sneakers, leopard print anything, making my family laugh, cooking a good meal, hot tea with honey, spending the holidays with family.

Anyways just some of the little things that bring me joy... Read more...

5 FOR FRIDAY FEAST ON SOME REAL MUSIC

Today is going to be a five for Friday just because it's easy, my very active niece is on the way over and this is something I can dash off hopefully before she gets here, so let's jump it off.

Five for Friday's some artist you might have slept on/never heard of:

THIRDFirst artist Dondria aka Phatffat she is an artist that is now signed to so so def she started off just doing videos on youtube and then she got discovered by Jermaine Durpree her album hasn't dropped yet but watch out for her. If you want to see more of her then check out her youtube channel DONDRIA'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL



SECOND artist Elisabeth Withers she has an awesome voice she is so slept on find out more about here on her MYSPACE PAGE or goggle her. One of my favorite songs from her album:


ThirdFIRST Rachelle Ferrell so slept on she has an octave range that rivals Mariah Carey's she plays piano and if you have never ever seen her perform or picked up any of her music you are lacking and sorely missing something in your life. This woman can blow your mind just listen to her she works her voice like a finely tuned instrument I don't even think I have words to describe how incredible she is matter of fact you know what she is First fourth and fifth because she needs really her own post but I'm going to just give you some videos cause she is so righteous!





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NO BOO THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU

I wrote this particualr blog awhile back, its one of those blogs that speaks on a timeless subject. As long as we have male and female interaction there will always be the need for this subject matter. I think women are called the weaker sex for a reason, no matter how many advances get made in this society a woman's nature is not changed that much. It will never change we are designed a specific way. But I don't believe we have to be stupid in the pursuit of male companionship. Just being a little wiser and learning from your mistakes as well as the mistakes of others can save you from getting wrapped up in and caught up in dumb situations time and time again. Ladies its time to sharpen the mind, protect and guard the body and heart, and stop throwing your pearls before swine. Swine don't appreciate pearls they can only appreciate slop, think about it!

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, time and time again I try and help you all out. I try and give you the game so that you can see that these ninja's ain't coming with nothing but lies and half-truths. ALL IT IS, IS GAME FOR YOUR BLUETOOTH! I know that I might be preaching to the choir here and some of you might be tired of me beating a dead horse but fuck what must I do to help my sistas out? What must I do to show you that these ninja's in the street are just looking for a hole to stick their dicks in and they will try and accomplish that by any means necessary. Maybe I am not breaking it down clear enough for you maybe I have not defined what by any means necessary means, maybe I am not saying it in a way that you can comprehend it. Let's see, I have given you examples, I have shared the bullshit I have encountered, I have stood on my platform repeatedly and soap-boxed myself to death. It's not cute, its not sexy, its not original, and it certainly is trifling after awhile ladies, if you still getting caught up in some of these same damn mantraps, mistakes, and fuck ups, then guess what IT'S YOU!

Some shit is sense, some is trial and error, and some is just intuition there is no way in the world a woman who is in touch with her own mind should still be falling for some of the same shit over and over again! That's like seeing a sign that says don't drink me and you drink it. I guess it is human nature to want to touch fire because you can't just believe it will burn you, then when it does burn you, you have the nerve to get mad at the fire! Backwards. as. hell!

So okay ladies I'm going to point out somethings you shouldn't be doing and if you are doing these things then I don't want to hear shit about you complaining about the outcome of the shit, you're just going to have to take the L on somethings because you brought them on yourself!

first and foremost the female that lays down with a man who already has more than one baby-momma and winds up pregnant, straight up and down you're a dummy! There is no way to sugarcoat that. Before you lay down with any man you need to know his background, whether he has kids, whether he a deadbeat dad, if he is in the rears for child support,LET ME GIVE YOU A HUGE ASS HINT if he knows how to drive but his license is suspended and its not for DUI's or some other shit then most likely he already in the system for back child support! Which means he ain't paying that shit, but I bet his ass stay geared up, and with beat machines and Mac computers cause everyone is a super producer he getting money under the table and he ain't giving shit if any to his children! And if you fally anywhere in between the 2nd or the 100th baby momma unless he is a millionaire like puff pastry good luck getting anything for your child! Shit Puff Pastry doesn't even claim his other daughter with that Sarah chick he skeeted smh, fucking shame! You need to know whether he has been married, why he isn't married, what happened in his last relationships, is he a cheater, is he a habitual liar, is he a drug addict, know a man at least six months before you sleep with his ass and fuck yes do a background check. In this day and age Google his ass, check out his friends list, hell look at his comments, if you are interested in him like that then unfortunately you have to dig into his past if you want him to be part of your future or you will regret it! No one should walk into anything blindly fuck that and stop getting in the bed with these men before asking about their medical history, no one should be dying from dick. Bottom line know the man you are dealing with before you slide between his sheets and get to calling out his name and doing all the pussy tricks you think will make him stay.

Next if a man is ten years or more older than you, then this man has a pattern he is a step above a pedophile which still makes him a predatory type of man. He preys on women with low self esteem, and who aren't every smart. Now people have different intelligences if yours isn't in a mental way then you are compensated with another type of intelligence you just have to discover what it is, but I digress if every female that this man has ever been with has always been significantly younger than this man that is a dead give away as to his true nature! This type of man needs to be able to manipulate his woman, a woman who won't question him, or put to many demands on him, a female that will keep loose ties on him, and in return he will give her a false sense of security, he will lie to her face while the truth is blatantly starring her down, but because he has her mind, her heart, and body, she will willingly be his fool, time and time again in the hopes that he will make her his wife and that they will live happily ever after, even though more likely than not he is a liar, a cheater, and a user, and a deadbeat. This type of man is a man who knows his victims well, he knows the type of women he can easily manipulate he spots them, he smells them even.

Last but not least cycles, if your family has a history of women without husbands but a bunch of kids then, most likely you will be a victim of the same type of cycle this has become your ghetto legacy. This is what you will give to your children, this is what you have been brought up in and what you know and even if you know this is a destructive path most likely you will still choose it because it is familiar, someone in your life has probably said to you as you were growing up that you were going to end up just like your momma and guess what happens. Never ending cycles are a hard thing to break but if you don't do it then the generations never get saved, nor changed.

I think maybe I should just write a book but if no one reads a blog why would anyone read a book, especially by a woman on the subject of men??? Anyway I'm emotionally spent hope this helps someone pass it around the world save a young woman from herself... Read more...

BROKEN SOUL AGREEMENT

I understand that this was made up as a joke but...some of y'all are totally following these rules lol.

This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2007, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.


THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.

4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The
answer is no, so don't ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from
out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home.

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's
girlfriend/boyfriend."

17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

19. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.

20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

21. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.


* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:

The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.


Participating Party

Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________

Participating Party

Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________

In this day and age isn't this what relationships between the opposite sexes has become? I find myself more and more sucker punching a guy with the "If you're looking for sex miss me with that" Deal breaker before he can even get it out of his mouth. I don't want, need, or like casual sex; it makes my skin crawl and my emotions protest. I would rather fly solo then engage in a bedroom romp with some dude I haven't known longer than my current sneaker. It's ridiculous how love has gotten lost in translation and sex has become the ultimate filler for all things remotely relationship like. I envy the people who have been able to wade through all of the broken and trifling individuals in this society to truly find someone who compliments them and who wants nothing but the best for that person in essence a real relationship with another individual that wants you in total not just your sex organs. I am so tired of interviewing frogs in the effort and hope of finding someone who will get me and no I don't believe I need to sleep with every individual that shows me some interest my self esteem is just not that low. Sigh, those who have managed to find a love that shelters their heart I envy you. It is a rare bird true love it's elusive and skittish, it can only be coaxed into the hand with finesse and tenderness not with the crass coochie-cooing of random sex acts that leave one broken, misused, and damaged. Sigh we have a generation of people who are living artificially existing on a diet of lies and polluted perceptions of how life and love should be. My inner-self cries for children who will be brought up to think that love is a dirty word and sex is the replaced it. Love is not the enemy it is the mistreatment of it that is the enemy yes it is a complete and total emotion that can take you as high as heaven or as low as hell but its an emotion that is worth seeking, having, and keeping.

Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it .. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
~ by The Holy Bible, New International Version Ephesians 5:25-33 ~

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ORIGINA POST DATE:
Saturday April 21, 2007 - 11:58pm Read more...

P.S. I LOVE YOU

P.S. I Love You

Whenever I watch a movie that has a theme about love it always leaves me wondering and pondering the reality of love. When I watch a movie with a white cast love is colored different its magnanimous its all consuming it’s their end all and be all. It makes them greater it ennobles them and changes them they get so swept up by it and it defines them. It alters their perception and it always makes them better for having loved versus not having loved. In every white movie I have ever seen where there was love involved it has been this all encompassing and consuming larger than life force that has guided the actions of characters and used them as pawns being it to its will like a force on its own.

This has caused me to become a hopeless romantic because I have ingested these movies that are not in line with my reality. These movies that are made make love seem so noble and so worthwhile like it’s the ultimate answer to every ultimate question, and the love is never quiet or simple it’s huge and overwhelming and powerful. I’ve lived for 30 years and I have never ever felt something so huge and all consuming. I have never even had a little bit of that. Does it exist for me? Is my love weighted down and less powerful because I am a black woman? I try and explain it to the best of my knowledge it’s like white women are freer more unrestrained happier easier they aren’t weighted down by the color of their skin, their economic situations, scratching out their places in the world having to be smarter, work harder, work longer, to be seen as competent in the work place. I am well aware of the glass ceiling but if white women have it bad it’s ten times worst for a black woman.

It’s easier to love freer and to just be when you don’t have a cultural noose around your neck. I can’t speak for anyone else but in my experience I have always tried to be rational and not allow myself to get swept up in lust, sometimes I didn’t succeed in my efforts but as I have grown older I have learned to steer clear of foolish lustful endeavors, but I hear that white women just pretty much let the passion take them over and they give in to their impulses far more often than a black woman. From Fairy tales to modern day romance movies I feel like I have been lied to. There is no all encompassing love that is going to come in and change you and make you a better person at least not for me, there is no all consuming love that is going to just make me into a better person and set my heart on fire. I would have liked to have such a love but this isn’t the movies and I’m not some blond haired, fair skinned damsel in distress waiting for the perfect boy to sweep me off of my feet and change me because our love is that big. The reality of it is black folks have love with restraint and conditions, always some sort of conditions, White folks seem to just be able to fall seamlessly in love and it changes them completely it makes them better people to and for each other.

Make no mistake I am well aware that it doesn’t always work out but the journey and the ride makes it seem like it’s worth it. This is why I stick to horror films because getting killed, maimed, twisted or frightened is something that can happen to anyone there is no huge difference in how bad things are perpetrated in movies we all know the ethnic characters get killed first and then everyone else but they all dies painful and under horrible circumstances. It’s a revelation though to know that my inner romantic was getting fed off of these white romance movies now I know how to starve that bitch and finally kill her off. It’s sad if you really think about it this is what keeps black folks from loving each other and just giving in. We weren’t taught to love like that we always had to focus on just living and trying to maintain and if we happened to find love then it was always an afterthought or secondary, love is a luxury that one can’t afford because the business of living is costly and the almighty dollar calls for heavy sacrifices. It’s amazing how love is colored different depending on your skin color and economic status.

If you don’t think so then you’re either a fool, or an optimist that wears a special brand of rose tinted contacts. Either way ignorance is bliss but I’ve never liked living in la-la-land and it took me sometime to figure it out, like going to a therapist all this time and the cause and cure was stop believing in this romance movies that are getting cranked out and shoved down your throat like bitter medicine. Hell the stuff in movies isn’t real that’s why it’s a movie no one wants to watch real love onscreen that’s depressing the movies are an escape from reality. So I am killing off my inner romantic slowly but surely now that I’ve finally got to the root of my problem.

So here’s to the death of my inner romantic and the dewy eyed optimistic outlook she was secretly holding onto I kept wondering what kept giving me false hope and I now realize it was these movies and now I know I was creating in my mind a blueprint for failure. I didn’t think I was that impressionable but somehow the impression was made on me that romance and love was attainable and love was this huge wonderful emotion, that’s not my reality and to wait for it would be detrimental and foolish so now that I know that I will make it my business to stop believing in celluloid and airbrushed magic. I feel so foolish realizing that all this time I have been secretly holding on to this unrealistic concept of love because of movies wow now that the rose colored contacts are finally off I can let go of my silly romantic notions and resign myself to a loveless fate it’s alright I have a great soundtrack…. Read more...

FAILURE

Today I was really just in a morose and reflective place reflecting on how bad my life is once again and someone happened to twit this youtube video and it just really spoke to where I was and it felt like a sign so I wanted to share it with you guys as well. Enjoy:

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LATOYA LUCKETT THE ANTI-BEYAKI

The only member out of them destiny's children that I stan for Ms. Luckett was always the prettiest one to me and it's such a testament when you try and stamp people out and take things from them but they don't stay down they get back up and become successful. I think she is a perfect example of grace in the face of adversity, she's sweet and I always identified with her unlike SWSNBN'ED. I always root for the underdogs and the least popular...its my contrary nature what can I say.

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NO ONE EVER THINKS ABOUT THE DIRT

If you are the oldest of your brothers and sisters or even a mother you will understand this and empathize with me completely. Often times when you are the oldest a lot of responsibility is heaped upon your shoulders and as soon as the next sibling(s) comes along you find yourself no longer the only child but the one that is pushed to the back sort of pushed out of the way because you came first and by the time the other siblings drop you are expected to be self sufficient and self reliant. This sets the precedent the tone for the rest of your life as the Eldest, The oldest, the first one. I don't think the younger siblings see the sacrifices that the oldest makes, they don't see the hard first we have to break through in order for our parents to be worn down by the time it's their turns. I don't think that they get that we are responsible for them, if you were like me you did a lot of looking after your siblings so much in fact it molded and shaped your personality early. I got used to being the surrogate mother hell I have been wiping asses and raising children seems like all my life but I have yet to have any of my own.

I am proud of the young man that my youngest/middle brother is because I know that I helped him get this far. I helped with homework, with emotional crisis, with a shoulder and strong back to lean on, and with sound advice, even helping him laugh and shaping his sense of humor and sense of independence. I was so proud that he got into the college he choose, I was proud that he has this amazing talent that has been nurtured and that will carry him where ever he chooses to go. I am extremely proud I was here to watch him become a young adult, I would have felt cheated if I hadn't seen him grow up. I was here for his prom, I was here for his graduation, I was here for all the important milestones and he's not finished yet this I am sure of.

I know people think I am harsh with my siblings but I see their potential and I want what's best for them even when they try my patience and nerves. Even when they do things to me that break my heart and make me want to fuck them up. I love each of my siblings genuinely and deeply. That's why when they do something that causes their lives to veer off unto unfamiliar and bumpy paths my disappointment in their choices are great. I know they each have to live their lives but I will always be their older sister that will never change. I will always want what's best for them even if they don't want it or recognize it for themselves. Once you become the oldest that role never stops, it becomes life shaping and huge. It colors your world and it shapes your thoughts and actions. It makes you more responsible more cautious it makes you reevaluate your choices because you know your choices are going to be the measuring stick that is used by your parents to guide and tweak your siblings so that they don't make the same mistakes they made with the older kids. Every set back every wrong turn will be magnified and examined and used as a guide as what not to do for your sibling. Your name will be drug into conversation after conversation especially if you mess up and your siblings get it right the first time they attempt something you will never hear the end of it NEVER!

But that is the role that you have been caste into, it takes a strong person to be the oldest. You don't get the luxury of being really seen anymore, you don't have the luxury of still having your parents all to yourself and you become a surrogate parent of sorts, you start being given more responsibilities more chores by the time you hit your late twenties you feel like you have already raised some kids and had your own family, well maybe not you all but I do. I feel like I have lived a first life and now I'm on my second, the funny thing is I don't recall having any fun carefree moments if I did they were few and far between. I feel like I have always been old, taking care of someone not having the luxury of just being responsible for myself and I don't think my siblings appreciate that, not at all.

I don't think they see the things I have done, endured for them. The worry, the prayers, the wishes, the hopes, the dreams. I don't think they see any of that. I don't think they appreciate me having less so that they could get more, I don't think they can appreciate the fact that without me as their advocate in somethings they wouldn't have been heard or taken seriously. I know that in that respect mothers and eldest children will always be alike they give so much and do so much on a daily basis that it goes unseen. No one evaluates the journey but they always examine the end product. It's like a rose growing up through concrete its a beautiful flower in the middle of the most unconventional place ever, but the rose is the end product but how did that rose push up through that concrete and get what it needed to bloom, grow, and thrive?

No one ever thinks about the dirt!

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A BPYTS HAPPILY EVER AFTER CHAPTER

So many times I thought I caught a glimpse of you as I chatted, had random conversations, wasted time with random dudes that had crossed my path but elusive like sand through my fingers you are. I always think I see a glimpse of you then...it happens true colors are shown and then it's over. Sometimes it takes a couple conversations sometimes it only takes one. The end result are usually always the same.



I have an idea but it's an abstract one...I try to keep the parameters loose so that I don't crush the depth of you but at the same time have some kind of construct as just to what kind of person you are. I'm not seeking perfection I wouldn't want anyone too perfect, perfect is too hard to live up to and with. I just want a normal, quirky, funny, handsome, strong, sweet, respectful, easy to laugh, slow to anger, gentle but strong, intelligently nerdy, tallish guy with his head on straight who doesn't have all this baggage and emotional wounds. Who will be going in the same direction in life that I am seeking to go in who is just an easy going sort of fellow who wants to walk down that path of love and be in love with no qualms or limitations. Who will not mind my ways and might even think that some of the things I do are cute, funny, interesting, and we will make merry wherever we are. He will be my perfectly imperfect superhuman and I will be his perfectly imperfect cheering section.



Who will know how to cheer me up when the world becomes to much, who will listen and offer helpful solutions not just random shit that doesn't make sense. He won't hurry me to cheer up because it's inconvenient for him but he will let me be without thinking it is a reflection on anything he has done. In other words he will give me space to get back on track and be there when I am better and I in turn will willingly do the same for him. Giving him space when needed and strength or a shoulder or even a whole back to lean on when he needs it. We will be the best of friends and have respect for each other as individuals. We would communicate like the best of friends...and he would say to me such sweet things like

I want to become intoxicated by your presence

as well as

I just want to adore and engage into the scent of you.

and he would be blessed to have the gift of prose and would bless me with beautiful heartfelt sentiments because he wanted to such as

You are the epitome of what's meant for me. The total package, when are you going to be sent to me? Because WE know I'll resent to see you go in the wrong direction, I'll live on sympathy...

causing me to melt a thousand times in a thousand different ways ...and I would allow myself to surrender to my feelings and not over think it or even question it... even if it's just for the moment...and fantasy never becomes a reality...I would still live off the dreams of you and hug them tight like my pillow at night and cherish what could have been and use it as a measuring stick for all those that dare come after...but honestly, truthfully, I hope to God YOU'RE the last chapter...before the happily ever after...BUT THEN SHE REALIZED EMOTIONS AND LOVE WAS BEST LEFT FOR THE FOOLISH AND SENSELESS! FUCK FAIRY TALES FROM NOW ON ITS STRICTLY HORROR FILMS!

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BECAUSE U ASKED ME 2

Dear S.

Long time no talk with you but you decided to find me again so welcome back lets us see where we end up the 2nd time around. You're a sweet guy I sense that, I also sense a little bit of sadness in you. I think its noble you want to change the world and uplift black folks, but your one man. Your heart is big and even though your back is strong and your shoulders broad they aren't strong enough for the task you want to undertake. I love your superhero syndrome but what about just being there for that one special person? I think at the end of the day...you will find what your looking for. Maybe you came back around so I could point you in the right direction...maybe you came to help me out maybe we will be each others compass... maybe this is a second chance for redemption, or maybe just a nice way to clean up an old mess.

I really don't know the reason you asked me to write a post about you...maybe you just wanted to feel a little important...maybe you just wanted some spotlight to shine down on you if just for a fleeting moment, or maybe you wanted to be immortalized on the internet...like I said I don't know your motivation but I'm trying. I do appreciate the talks we have even if it's just words filling up empty hours that don't amount to much. It's almost like I reached out for you, or you heard me in your dreams...yea as crazy as that seems. I like how you try and give me sweet sentiments even though I bust you every time when you try and write out a mack line, it's still sweet in an underhanded way. I will always remember when I asked you what you were thinking about and you said my happiness as if you were responsible for it. That put a smile on my face even if it was just a fleeting sentiment.

Even if you are gossamer and I called you up with my spirit I appreciate the talks we had in this last month of this year. I appreciate you appreciating my smile, and I love how you love your family even before yourself. A beautiful fault to have, I know this probably isn't what you had in mind but...this is what came out. I hope it put a smile on your face and I hope it made your day.

Sincerely ME.


P.S. Remember when you made that statement and I said "Right." What I wanted to say was if you were sincere, if you were for real, if you meant it with all your heart...then I hope it happens.

P.S.S if you make the mistake of doing something so jacked up that I have to retract this post you will regret it! Don't take the song literally it just went with the title.

This quote made me think of you, look how it found me like you did again...strange.
Only a life lived in the service to others is worth living." ~ Albert Einstein

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HINDSIGHT IS THE BITCH THAT IS MARRIED TO LIFE

I feel like after a certain age certain things you just should know better, when you are in your twenties then sure it's that between time from teenager to real adult so go ahead trial and error your butt off, but once you get to that 30 mark you should know better, and do enough in your twenties to have fun but you gotta keep your eye on the prize because after 29 there are no do overs. Shit is what it is! You should have spent your twenties discovering what path you wished to take in life and setting your eyes upon the future that's what your twenties are for. By the time your 30th birthday comes around you should be ready to be a full adult, putting behind you all hood rat, ghetto mentalities, establishing your career, or business, setting sights on getting your first house and hopefully if your blessed at least engaged. Ideally that is the way it should go but see to me that IS MY IDEAL on how it should work the fucked up part is hindsight is a bitch! I went through my twenties directionless just floundering, in my youth I wasn’t so wise I didn’t see things clearly like I should have. I was distracted and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Now at 30 I have all of these hindsight but now it’s like too little too late. My life is all fucked off and it just doesn’t seem to be getting any better.

My Madre for one doesn't think that I am hard enough on myself, simply because I don't give her the pleasure of beating up on myself in front of her. I stay in my room a lot behind a closed door and unless you are inside my psyche you can't know how I perceive myself. I spend a lot of time in thought, agonizing, reflecting, looking at different angles as to how I am going to change my life, take it in a different direction, pick the pieces up. No one but I am concerned with myself. But I guess since I hold everyone else up to my same standards I am considered being judgmental. When I don't understand someone’s life decisions and I can't empathize with someone because they had all these tools at their disposal but they choose not to use them I can't feel sorry for them I am then called heartless, cruel, even said to have a black heart. When someone who doesn't have messed up credit has an able body, an able mind, and even a set of employment skills but they won't get a job, they refuse to find employment BUT want everyone to bend over backwards and help them I'm supposed to have symptom for someone like that?

it’s funny how this one person on my twit line told me I should get a part time job I was like well shit why didn’t I think of that (insert extreme sarcasm) I’ve applied for jobs big and small, state, federal, government, even a company I got fired from same parent company different branch. I keep taking test after test, and either getting wait listed, or just plain out refused the job. I’ve applied out of state, in state, big small, part time full time, my resume is constantly in rotation, over flooded on job board sites if someone sends me info about a job then I get on it. I want to work! Yes I applied for seasonal positions, walking the local mall, even going down to la and putting out feelers out there. It’s triple hard when you don’t have transportation, no transportation money, and no way to get money. In my world since I don’t have kids its either get a job or go without.

God it’s so easy for people just to say to me well get a job like I don’t want one, like I haven’t been looking, like I wasn’t looking when I had a part time job, like I wasn’t trying to go back to school, but no money can’t pay fees, can’t buy books, what about financial aid; just pays for my classes still have to come up with the admission fees, and then again there is the transportation issue. I have all of these people who have all of these suggestions but no real help. This other chick on my twit line told me to go apply down in Venice Beach, I don’t live anywhere near Venice Beach, she then suggested I try and be a stewardess, after that point I just sort of tuned her out. I can apply for every job under the sun but:

1. Credit checks: are a major issue, but the fucked up part is if your credit is fucked but you can’t get a job how can you fix it? Someone has yet to explain that too me. On an interview for a job this perky white lady said to me “well if you at least send them something it shows a willingness to fix it.” I just nodded my head because of course when YOU HAVE NO JOB you have no income but maybe I am speaking Turkish. In the same interview the white man said to me well we can’t hire a person in the government with bad credit because it becomes an integrity issue. You become more susceptible to bribery. You are more tempted to steal when your credit is bad.

2. Weight discrimination: my mother, my grandmother, my third cousin all of them have said well your weight is probably keeping you from getting a job also. So fat people don’t have to work? They can just sit at home and just curl up in a ball and die? I know the whole world wants fat people to just go away for feel ashamed or some shit but the majority of the world is fat, fuck get over it. If you want the whole world to be one size then they need to come up with a plan to ban all fast food, develop a pill that makes everyone the same size, and then come up with a pill to make everyone the same color fuck diversity. If we are all the same size, all the same color, then all our problems would be solved and the world would be a much better place right????? Fat discrimination is done subtly but its done everyday I am up against more mountains literally then others but I keep putting in applications I keep applying I keep on keeping on but it’s netting me no results.

All things stem from money you can’t do shit in this lifetime without fucking money. They say you shouldn’t have just one stream of income coming in I have a ZAZZLE store that I sell products from but that is extremely slow money. I might get someone that buys something like every blue moon. I also love arts in crafts but that takes money. I am always trying to figure out something that one great break through for me, that something that will turn my life around. I keep thinking and thinking I don’t know who I should pray too, or what I should do to get there, and please know that I write not for sympathy because I know everyone is going through something I write because I love it and I think its great if someone even reads what I write it would be great if someone happened upon my blog and thought that I wrote well enough to offer me a publishing deal or some sort of job working in the publishing world even if it was getting the damn executives their coffee. I wish a lot of things would happen but wishes don’t come true for people like me because I’m just an ordinary everyday run of the mill type girl and miracles and wishes don’t exist in my world. Read more...

WAY TO MUCH WTF NOT ENOUGH I LIKEY

It's that time again new videos that are interesting, I like the songs, are it was too WTF not to post. So here we go first video up is Coldplay & Jay-Z Lost; now see I love all types of music, from hip-hop to country and everything in between but I know what I like and what I have never gotten is the coldplay movement...they just give me the WTF feeling and they have since day one I don't really like weepy British music, makes me feel like I should be slitting my wrist over some fish and chips, but I am going to post it because of Jay-Z please leave your thoughts on this video.



I like Mya and I have since she first came out hell I used to watch teen summit with her on there but lately since her album has been pushed back to damn near never coming out status I think she should just open up a dance studio and just give up the ghost. If this is an indication of her new direction she got steered wrong I didn't know if she was doing a commercial for the islands and she was trying to get me to buy a timeshare in Maui or Turks and Cacaos island but whatever it is return it to sender! Hell get silk the shocker back because you need that magic. Hell even teaming back up with sisqo at this point couldn't hurt cause this song just gave me a WTF moment.



Next up we have Rihanna and the cutest YT boy on the planet (okay that might be stretching it but he is cute) Justin Timberwolf this video is a bunch of glamor shots for ree-ree to show off her slim and trim nonexistent figure and JT just looks hot in his biker I am trailer trash steez now please don't mistake this look for being something I find attractive on the average joe but since this is a stylized look for this video it works! I know some folks that can't stand Rihanna but they love Beyaki and while everyone is drinking the cult of Beyonce kool-aid I shall pass and roll on with the bajan instead. But someone tell ree-ree that those stars from her neck down to her shoulder blade look like a funky skin disease/rash type happening and it honestly made me vom in my mouth just a wee bit, and they kept showing the damn tat like it was hot. Oh Chris Brown come get your boo and have her rectify that situation immediately please and thank you! Either have her make a star cluster, a map to her house using star coordinates, or have her put an actual planet on her back or something but all those little bitty nasty ass stars just making a trail look like a fungus. If I ever have the pleasure of running into her I will tell her myself girl that ish ain't hot love the hair though!



I loved Heavy D he was that DUDE! The only light skin-did guy that could have gotten it period! He is back but doing Reggae this time around yea another WTF moment! Check the video out leave your thoughts and comments. I was all ready to be like oh this song is fiyah I love it...ummm no not so much me no likey but please by all means check the song out and tell me what you think, oh and when he say's aye it makes me eardrum quiver in a disappointed you trying to make me go deaf kind of way.



Most of the videos really are on that WTF movement I understand we in a depression type era with the economy but really if you not going to make something worth looking at then stop wasting money, send it to me instead...no really hit the paypal donate link and send a sista a little something it would be nice I'm tax deductible...ummk enough shameless begging. Enjoy your Tuesday. Read more...

HEART BEATS

So many times I thought I caught a glimpse of you as I chatted, had random conversations, wasted time with random dudes that had crossed my path but elusive like sand through my fingers you are. I always think I see a glimpse of you then...it happens true colors are shown and then it's over. Sometimes it takes a couple conversations sometimes it only takes one. The end result are usually always the same.



I have an idea but it's an abstract one...I try to keep the parameters loose so that I don't crush the depth of you but at the same time have some kind of construct as just to what kind of person you are. I'm not seeking perfection I wouldn't want anyone to perfect, perfect is too hard to live up to and with. I just want a normal, quirky, funny, handsome, strong, sweet, respectful, easy to laugh, slow to anger, gentle but strong, intelligent nerdy, tallish guy with his head on straight who doesn't have all this baggage and emotional wounds. Just an easy going sort of fellow who wants to walk down that path of love and be in love with no qualms or limitations. Who will not mind my ways and might even think that some of the things I do are cute, funny, interesting, and we will make merry wherever we are. He will be my perfectly imperfect superhuman and I will be his perfectly imperfect cheering section.



Who will know how to cheer me up when the world becomes to much, who will listen and offer helpful solutions not just random shit that doesn't make sense. He won't hurry me to cheer up because it's inconvenient for him but he will let me be without thinking it is a reflection on anything he has done. In other words he will give me space to get back on track and be there when I am better and I in turn will willingly do the same for him. Giving him space when needed and strength or a shoulder or even a whole back to lean on when he needs it. We will be the best of friends and have respect for each other as individuals. We would communicate like the best of friends...and he would whisper in my ear... "and I can make dreams come true"...and I would allow myself to believe it...if just for a moment because it would feel good to surrender and just believe.



this specific portion of this particular movie just strikes a chord with me and on a humbug I decided to see if it was on youtube it was so I had to post it...when Cecily Tyson's character is talking about her husband every time it resonates inside me its a powerful scene and I don't think that people truly grasp the magnitude of the scene...so yea watch the whole clip or just start at the 5 minute mark and see the elders talking about love it is a remarkable scene along with the wedding scene and if you haven't seen this movie what are you waiting for already? Anyway enjoy and have a blessed Sunday.

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