There is nothing more disheartening then being told you will be alone forever. People who do that are the worst and they feed your fears making it seem like your only logical choice is to then choose them as the most logical course of action to your becoming a spinster cat person, since you know you don't want to be alone. That's like choosing between a sinking ship or a burning building neither one is that pleasant and you will perish in the end one is just a slower death.
I have come to realize that I am a romantic and not just the in the closet one that I thought I was. I'm a full fledged romanceaholic. I love love, I love weddings, pictures of cute children, stories about couples, romantic movies, romantic books, I am a sucker for a happy ending and I blame Disney movies, Korean Dramas and then movies that have been made in the last 20 years of my life. Most every movie I've seen has had a happy ending the girl and guy always end up together. I know that entertainment doesn't closely reflect reality especially not my reality but damn if you've been inundated with messages of love saving the day it's pretty hard to shake those ideas out of your head. Even when the world is on the chill movement, everybody is running around rampantly and blatantly cheating on their spouses in the media and behind closed doors you would think I would be able to be more jaded and cynical and stick with that instead of holding onto this burning unrealistic hope of one day finding the ideal man for me.
You would think especially since I live in the hood that I would shake those silly notions right out of my head and just settle for the hood love, that struggle love, that EBT type of love. That we smoking weed and chilling with the homies on bare mattresses in a struggle apartment with roaches and top ramen and cheese and bread type of love. That catching the bus to go on a date type of love, that buying off the dollar menu at wendy's and splitting a drink type of love, that buy one movie ticket open the door from inside the theater type love. My zip code seems to dictate my choice in partners and the pickings are slim everybody is on the bottom and no one seems to be on the top. So quite naturally my ghetto prince charming comes with no horse (i.e no car) but he does know how to ride the bus and train system like a champ, he also doesn't have his own castle (i.e. house, apartment, or town house nor condo) he also still resides with the queen or in most cases his guardian (i.e. whatever woman raised him) and this ghetto prince can run the gambit from being a weed smoking, weed selling, lying, cheating, many baby having struggler who is looking for a warm body and an even warmer orifice to forget his troubles in if only for a brief second. Majority of these ghetto prince charming's are not looking for anything significant just some quick ass and an even quicker forgotten face.
I've got all of these ideas in my head about the kind of guy I want and what I expect but I am alone in this needless to say no one else shares these same ideas. In the hood you don't live by a moral compass you live by the streets and opportunity. Apparently having a moral compass and integrity is something afforded only to those with fat pockets and fatter bank accounts. I am too old for a certain type of hanging out I'm not comfortable hanging out at do-dirty's house. Nor am I comfortable after dark in the park laying on a blanket less than 30 feet from the homeless with roaches scurrying underfoot in the dark. Motels are sketchy and lets face it you really think they changing sheets in motels in the hood? There are probably so many body soils and stains on them damn motel sheets. Sigh just the thought of it is all to depressing, and I know people say well deal with a better class of people again you have to be around a different class of people for that to happen. You have to be able to be in the areas where the different class of people are. I know I've said this before but I really am going to swear off meeting anyone new and just get used to the fact that I am going to be singular and there is nothing that is likely to change that in the near future. I'm tired of meeting all these hood boogers who just don't have shit. Who just are struggling if I was in my 20's I could struggle with someone because I would have some time to give but in your mid 30's time is of the essence and if it doesn't get better its doomed to get even worst and I just can't take that gamble. So here's to the start of being truly alone and embracing my singular life wholeheartedly. No more meeting anyone new, no more getting to know anybody no more nothing. I am aiming to stick to my singularness and I don't see anyone swaying me from that anytime soon.
