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Saturday, January 24, 2009
CUPID IS SHOOTING BLANK ARROWS
I'm sure I might have mentioned this before but if I didn't I'm mentioning it again.I had a co-worker who met a man on the internet, and withing a month she had moved in with him within three months she was engaged and within a month of that she was married, and she acquired a job within the state that would help her erase the mans debt and prepare for them to get a house together and with that they started their life as man and wife. I will leave you to assess what her cultural and racial make up is. I believe that you will already know just based on the situation that was typed above. I type this to illustrate the simple fact that there is a vast cultural difference in the way love, commitment, and relationships are approached by different cultures.
A reader made the statement that many African-Americans don't live "European Style" meaning a two parent household, raising their kids, loving one another, supporting one another, and working for the common good of the household together. If you have been reading my blog for awhile then you already know how I feel about kids born out of marriage in the African-American community and the lack of marriage and love between black men and women period. You already know how I feel about black communities being eroded everyday, and the values that we should have as a people are lacking. It's like the farther we come socially the farther we go back emotionally. There are still things ingrained in our psyches in our very nature that have not been addressed. If you never acknowledge something how can you fix it? Many of the issues stem from generations of mental, emotional, degradation and oppression. It makes me ache inside when many in our culture would prefer to jump ship instead of stick it out and work it out.
I look at Sean Combs and I think all that money that you spend in child support you could be using to strengthen one household. You could be someones father full time not just part time showing a whole generation how it could be done, but no you rather procreate without responsibility because you have the money to do so. That is an ugly selfish way of living life. But he is not alone in his pursuits many men of color with wealth who have lost cultural identity or who pimp their cultural identity choose to procreate outside of their races, they choose to go through women because they can, they choose to treat those that have supported them as 3rd best and its tiresome and heartbreaking. It's like once you get enough money in your bank account to compensate for the melanin in your skin then you happily turn in your black card and skip to the other side with no looking back. I know that many especially in the black community want to sing and holds hands and be embraced and embrace the world/society at large and think that finally we are excepted have been absorbed into mainstream society and that we have overnight been giving equal footing and the same privileges as Caucasians have had since they landed on Plymouth rock, but again I see to you my brothers and sisters please wake up, we have much to work on within ourselves and communities before we are truly at that promised land. One man can not reverse nor roll back centuries of wrongs and oppressions, and damaged psyches.
Now don't get me wrong I know that when it comes to sex men prefer new yoni over old, I have even heard very ignorant and bias black men argue that white women's yoni's are pinker on the inside and therefore that's what they like the bright pinkness. I also know to many men yoni has no race factor attached to it, and as long as any woman lets them stab the womb they could careless what race she was attached to. While I think they should be more discerning in their taste I can't make that call for anyone. I hate to think of myself as the last one standing when it comes to dating, wanting, loving, black men exclusively but that is what I want in my life by my side until death parts us. I can not see myself with anyone else that is not what my heart calls for, that is not what speaks to my spirit. I never will understand how someone can look into the eyes of someone so unfamiliar cultural wise and feel love and a spark of sexual interest. I have even attempted just to see if I was programed wrong but nope non-black men do absolutely nothing for me. It also angers me when others question me as IF I am in the wrong because exclusively I love black men, as if I'm doing something wrong for stating that or wanting that.
I know the figures, I've heard the arguments I've read the stories and seen the television reports about it. The new phenomenon of black women marrying outside of their culture. Why is it such a news worthy story when black men and white men been doing it for years? When black women do it, it becomes a anomaly of sorts, news worthy. Something is very wrong with that, I always tell my brothers look at a persons motivation before you agree to go their way. I also tell them that if you cut something like coffee with milk you change the flavor and you weaken the strength of the coffee. Please don't come to my blog with that mixed babies are beautiful crap, black babies are beautiful also and all children are a blessing, but not everyone should be a parent! It has always been my assessment that until every cold civil rights case is solved, until the detriment of slavery has been properly acknowledge, along with white privilege, and until we as a people can get ourselves together culturally, and emotionally then I don't think we should be so happy to jump into the lap of someone else's culture because ours needs to still be worked on and this will be my platform my point of view until black people stop dumbing down and sweeping our emotional, mental, issues under the rug.
Allow me to introduce you to Tim Wise, this is the longer clip of him speaking if you have the time I advise you to watch it.
A smaller clip Tim Wise speaking.
but yet what is our culture? african americans are unlike any other culture because we had ALL of our orinigal african culture stripped away and another one forced upon us. i could debate with you on this one because while i have dated only black men i believe that you have good and bad PEOPLE in all races creeds and cultures. what is white american culture, one that puts money before people, one that devalues others and exists because almost all native american indians are dead. i believe that using whites as our measuring stick of happiness and success is a major fallacy that many blacks suffer from.
ReplyDeletei have many african american friends who managed to have 2 married parents (although i did not my parents always loved and supported me). many of my friends also seek and value manogamy.
i also know people that are selfish and promiscious or are into dating around. i know plenty of well to do white professionals that have cheated on their wives. people need to love and value themselves no matter what color they are.
while i love black men, if i meet a man that comes along and loves me, values family and want to be a part of his children's lives, then i believe his race will not matter. it is be a challenege to get to learn someone else's culture but it will also cause us to grow as people.
personality, mindset, heart and sincerity know no cultural bounds. yes i have been wounded from love but i stil believe that god and cupid have my husband / man waiting for me. i just want to be in a happy space and have wide open arms when he sends him along.
-dulce
@Dulce I think you might have missed the point entirely or maybe I didn't make it clear enough.
ReplyDeleteI don't dispute the fact there is good and bad in all cultures. My main concern primarily is for the black collective as a whole, while the disproportionate numbers of black men and women continue not to be able to love each other, other races are able to meet that goal. I didn't say that one should measure themselves by the European measuring stick either. But I used them to illustrate my point that while there are so many bags that black folk carry around emotionally we can't get to that kind of simple level of love that other cultures are able to give in to.
What I do think that needs to be rethought is the lack of interaction, love, and general respect that is lacking in black men and women in their dealings with each other. I think that there is a problem when it comes to love in the black community.
Yes our African culture has been stripped away and replaced with a false identity one that was forged from tatters and pieces and it is what we have now. But that does not mean that we can't have some sense of right and wrong, good and bad when it comes to relationships and the community that we primarily live in at large. Now while you are a nurturer of a different sort you are like an earth mother who is holistic in her approach to everything, and we need that in the community but I believe I am on the other spectrum of that nurturer circle I am not always liked but I am firm and a the discipline giver. There is the balance there, Dulce I wish you nothing but complete happiness love wise, but I can not pretend that love is blind. I am simply not attracted to men of other races not at all, but kudos to the black women that want to marry and have offspring with said men Its not for me to direct that nor have a say in that but I do think that all aspects should be looked at whenever anyone embarks on that type of journey.
I have had many experiences that have taught me many things and shaped and molded me into the person I am today I don't apologize for my feelings, nor opinions because they are just that MINES, while folks may not agree with what I write which is their God given right to do, I expect that, and that is fine. I am just excited when someone cares enough to leave a comment. This was rather long winded but I hope you have a blessed weekend dear Dulce, and thank you for continuing to read and leave comments I appreciate that as always.
VERY good post! And I do sympathize with the plight of black women like yourself. This issue is far too complex to address in black and white terms though (not saying you did). For instance, very rarely do our arguments take "intra-racism" into consideration when we talk about why black men jump to the otherside. (Personally, I have ALWAYS been "lactose intolerant")BUT, like you said, there's a reason for everything. Not too long ago, I heard women calling in to a radio station saying things like they wouldn't date a dark-skinned man because they want their babies to look a certain way... AND light-skinned women saying they don't date light-skinned men because they were degraded as kids for being light and don't want their children to go through that. NOW ... with this kind of division, where do you think the men go? Add economics into the mix and the fact that some women, regardless of love, won't date or marry a man unless he makes a certain amount of money ... where do you think the men go? And there are a LOT of women out there who are asking for things from men that they themselves don't embody. We could talk about this one a while. None of these things are excuses, just reasons.
ReplyDeleteSir Ellington; You always come with the funk and the uncut truth, See this is one of the issues within our own community I was speaking on. This self hatred we have been spoon fed down through the generations, look at who is on the top of the pop charts, and then think about the more talented artist that go unnoticed, or who are quickly forgotten while these other artist and I say that loosely pollute the airways with meaningless crap. I digress
ReplyDeleteI always go to the european culture because it is still the dominate force, to make reference and illustrate a point, but other cultures don't have such a huge struggle as black folks love wise. Latino's, Asian's, and whomever else seem to have it more together love wise then black folks do.
My whole point is that black folk have all of these emotional bags that you have to wade through just so you can try and get to know a person. Sigh, it's rough out here for real down to earth, not faking it to make it black women who want to marry black men.
I'm jacking your phrase Have always been Lactose intolerant I luv luv luv it lol. Thanks again for coming through and leaving a comment as always I appreciate it.
i guess i am just an outsider when it comes to this one. i did not miss the point and you may call me a dreamer but i do not believe that when it comes to love and interaction that african americans are at the bottom of the barrel.
ReplyDeletei also do not believe that other races have it more together when it comes to love. unless i have lived around latinos and asians then maybe i could judge better. we know all of the good bad and ugly when it comes to blacks because we have seen it all of our lives.
skin color and hair is an issue in the latino and asian communities. there are many dark women from the country india that bleach their skin. i think blacks are so used to being protrayed as the worse that somehow we believe it.
once again the problems in the community are simiply personal problems that are amplified. i do not deny that we as a culture have issues. but some many of us spend time putting our faluts and problems on blast. i am done with that. i am focused on healing my wounds and climbing over the obstacles of my issues. how can we accomplish anything if we continue to suck ourselves into the negativity of crying over our problems instead of claiming the power and personal responsibility to improve them?
the men i chose to deal with in the past, i will always love them and i had wonderful relationships with them. so i have never been on that brothers aint this or that. if we as adults know better why do you purposefully chose less than when it comes to mates - because its easy?
Dulce
also (more of dulce's yip yap sorry LOL) i like what brother ellington said. there are no excuses, people just have personal reasons for doing silly things. i have never cared about skin color or good hair. and how could i as a woman possibily want a king if i am not worthy of him.
ReplyDeletemuch of this ill decision making comes from deep personal issues that have not been healed. sister, j you would not believe this but i am not always liked either. being liked is not a care nor concern of mine, especially if i dont konw the person and they are not a close loved one or family member.
i have reached a point in my life where i learned to love and appreciate being me. if someone wither its a random person or a dude who is interested is full of crap i dismiss them with the quickness.
in love and life period, having self esteem and assurance and strength can make you or break you. i hurt when i see people especially brothers and sister continue in bad relationships or allow their children to suffe. however i can not do anything but learn and try to help myself. i truly believe most of this drama boils down to fear. fear of being different, fear of being alone long enough to know yourself. fear or not being in style, fear of someone being better than us.
but i have also been in a place where i did things that were not of my best interest so i dont look down on our brothers and sisters either. i just pray that they choose to eventually elevate themselves.